Timing timing
Why has it taken so long… perhaps it hasn’t as the small steps have constantly evolved but I am now at a point where I am looking back at the long road behind me. “Your time is your time” I hear Jody from Gateway Women say – she is always so wise and understanding. One of the ways I have recognised that I have moved forwardis that I now genuinely want to support other women. What I had not understood and understand now is that this has been the road of compassion. To be truly compassionate to someone else you must first be compassionate to yourself. I have heard this said in so many places and although it has intellectually made sense, I now understand at an emotional level that this is true.
I realised that I was not going to be a mother in March 2006 – yes that long ago! At the time I was in personal therapy and thought this was the route out of the grief, the pain,and the shame. In 2012/13 a colleague of mine (who had a medical condition that prevented her having children) asked me if I wanted to join her on a compassion workshop for women who were childless not by choice (CNBC). This was being held in London and was ran by Jody Day.I was in therapy so thought I didn’t really need it but went along anyway. Well, I cried from the deep place as Jody had devised some exercises based on Gestalt methods which connected me to some aspects of grief that I did not know existed. I remember at the end of the day Jody said to us both that she was sure she would see us again. We both left thinking this was highly unlikely. Despite being a psychologist, I did not want to join a group of women experiencing the loss of motherhood; I felt I didn’t need it. I wasn’t great in groups, particularly female ones; perhaps I wanted also to see myself differently – I was pretty emotionally defended. I realise in retrospect this negative view related to my own self-loathing, shame and sense of failure, which was hard to bear and as a result, despite therapy, I was protecting myself from knowing it.
I was on Gateway Women’s mailing list but I rarely read the emails. At the time I was working with adolescents who had mental health difficulties. The job was the pinnacle of my psychology career. I had somehow construed this as the reason that I had not become a mother. I threw myself into the job and loved it. Bit by bit it wore me down as I drove myself to be the best I could be. I put in the unpaid extra time… well I loved it so I reasoned why not… eventually I burnt out and had three months off sick. It was then that I realised that the job was a substitute for loss. – I was floored by the wave and in grief once more.
Around about the same time it was mother’s day and a Gateway Women’s newsletter arrived in my inbox advertising an online course with other women.This time I opened the email. Timing timing. I chewed on this a bit; procrastinating, as is my way; circling the pool rather than jumping in. I finally decided to go for it; anxious and trembling.
I remember that one of our first tasks on course was a post it notes task; writing down some of the ways we saw ourselves… well none of mine were positive. When I posted my notes the other women on the course commented saying that these negative aspects of the self, resonated for them too. I found this quite incredible and still remember that moment of deep caring and connection I felt, receiving love from other women. This connection with other women was the beginning of a journey into self-care and compassion; aspects of my life that had been missing since losing motherhood. From here I have continued to grow with the support of these women as we encourage each other through difficult times.
At the end of the course an incident upset me where I felt othered and humiliated in the workplace. Jody let me know she was starting a group within Gateway Women to look at challenges in the workplace for CNBC women and asked me if I wanted to join. I said yes and then hid myself away as it felt like an overwhelming idea… and what would I bring to this anyway?
Since the end of the online courseI have read more about self-compassion. Along with Kristen Neff I have studied the work of Tara Brach and have bought the principles of her RAIN meditation into my life and into my work with young people. I have grown more interested in the Buddhist principles of kindness, compassion, and meditation. I have undertaken online meditation courses and now have a daily meditation practice. I think meditation is an interesting process as it works at a deep level, so things change without you really realising it.
I would consider myself as someone who has been on the periphery of Gateway Women. However, after a recommendation I decided to tune into a webinar of the NoMo crones Solstice Fireside Wisdom. I really enjoyed it and identified with this group of women; perhaps realising I had grown internally as well as in age! I work within a large organisation that provides mental health services to people across the lifespan. Not long after and following a short holiday I sat at my computer and composed an email to two senior women in my organisation. One, the Head of Human Rights, the other Head of strategy for people. I let them know about the challenges in the workplace for CNBC people; the pain and grief of childlessness and some of the reasons it is so hidden. When I pressed send I cried from the deep place once more.
Both women got back to me and an online meeting was set up. They were very receptive and agreed to put something on the internal intranet within the organisation to coincide with World Childless Week (WCW). They agreed to advertise WCW along with; a link to Jody Days TEDtalk; a link to a short survey (which a few of my CNBC friends and I devised); and a link to a personal piece. From my conversation with these two women there seems to be a real willingness to raise awareness; review policy and to think about what support is needed. At the time of writing WCW is 3 weeks away and I don’t know how this is going to turn out; we will see…
How do I know I have made progress… the readiness to emerge and come out of hiding. This takes time. My timing is my timing and for me this now feels right… I feel empowered and energised and am ready to meaningfully help others. This I know has come through a process of finding true compassion for myself and being connected to the love of women who know what it is like to be involuntarily childless.
Bridgie