I dreamt about you

You never had a face

You were part of my dream life

You were part of my silent thoughts

I had thought my life would have you in it

But life had other plans

I pictured timelines and parties

With family to celebrate

But I attended the parties and

Missed all those celebrations for you

You have a name

You have a part of me

I’ll think of you often

Not just when I see your ultrasound flipped inward on the side of my fridge

You are part of who I am

You have brought me inspiration

You have brought me change

I wouldn’t be who I am without you

 

The grief before you was frustrating, I didn’t understand it

I thought I was over the pain

The pain of not being part of THE plan

And then you made me think about it all over again

I grieved all over again

But I emerged stronger

And I hold you with me where-ever I go

Sometimes you catch me, at moments of quiet or at times when words are spoken

That remind me you are not with me

It pulls and pangs at my heart and I rest with the feeling

I don’t push it away anymore

I carry it with me, all the moments

The grief and the growth because

That was your gift to me

I’ve met others now who know what this feels like

I’ve seen in words and actions understanding of this grief

It’s not the place that I thought I’d be

But I’ve found my place and every day is new without you.

Penny Rabarts