I am now heading towards year 3 of being CNBC, however, I wanted to focus on the first 2 years, as grief expert David Kessler says that he sees “early grief” last at least that long. I am sure that will vary from person to person, and for me personally around 18-19 months after the end of my TTC journey I started to feel whispers of freedom. We are all unique as are our stories so please keep that in mind and do whatever the hell it takes you to stay above water.

1. Feeling my emotions: At the end of our TTC journey we planned a big trip abroad, but when we came back I felt really empty, lost and confused. Nothing felt worthwhile. My then therapist prescribed me 20 mins a day to sit and feel whatever I was feeling, it was a tiny step forward.  Over the next two years I would do a dance between feeling and avoiding my emotions, and learned to accept that we all heal at the speed of safely, and make space for both

2. Creativity: I am not naturally creative yet I found peace in jigsaws, paint by numbers, crochet, gardening, making Christmas Decorations. It kept my mean mind occupied and I  guess underneath it all I found it peaceful and healing to know that I could create something.

3. Being kind to myself: I have such a vicious inner voice that will find every “mistake” I made in the past, or every fear I can find in the future. It can be terrorising if I let it loose. When I started to imagine that voice like a scared child, this helped me stop, and lower the perfectionist bar, and start being kinder to myself. 

4. Learning new things: I trained as a ICF coach after my miscarriages to help both distract me, and allow me the process my losses. I felt stronger at the end of that course and went on to try IVF. When our TTC journey came to an end I then took a master in the Psychology of Coaching and later trained as a grief therapist. All of these courses allowed me to process my losses, keep myself busy and help others. 

5. Community: after almost 1 year of struggling alone, finding and listening to #worldchildlessweek  webinars, lead me to the online support groups, which lead me to create my own CNBC Community. Finding like minded ladies with a similar lived experience, at different stages of their journeys, was a life saver (and being brave enough to set it up helped me with point 10)

6. Honoring my losses - it took time (and support) to do this and find what I needed, (pretending that the triggering days did not exist backfired for me). Some years I send myself flowers on mothers day, writing letters to my miscarriage babies, lighting candles, throwing a flower into the sea petal by petal, imagining my babies as free and fluttering butterflies!

7. Allowing myself to have fun: This meant lots of dogs (yes a 3rd puppy), travel where and when covid permitted, being in awe with nature, swimming in sea, eating ice cream, little by little becoming intimate again (still in progress) and yummy food all had a place in my life.

8. Killing “that” hope to allow new hopes.  We had miscarriages. We did not get pregnant naturally. We stopped doing IVF. We agreed it was the end. We stopped being intimate. Time went by. I was 45. More time went by. Then my husband had a vasectomy! Boom I was back in that black hole of grief!!! Now it is really really over! No doubts! No going back.... Then something strange happened, from that place of darkness came a sense of freedom, I felt lighter, I heard a voice (it was only a whisper), but it came from within me, and told me that everything was going to be alright and perhaps, just perhaps I could live a happy and fulfilling life without my biological children. A new hope had been conceived.

9. Living loss:  Understanding that this is something which will be with me in a larger or smaller scale for the rest of my life. Allowing myself to have, feel and express sad/angry/fearful moments whenever they appear, letting go of the expectation that this is something I will get over, and being kinder to myself when triggered.

10. Believing in me: When our biggest dream sails away from us, it can be really hard to have new hopes and dreams. It took therapy, coaching, safety of chatting in community, lots of time, finding my voice, more time, being vulnerable with friends and family, and sharing my real needs, and little by little I started to build confidence and trust in myself again, and take appropriate risks as I step forward into this uncharted and unexpected territory…

There are many more things I could include on this list, but instead I invite you, when you are ready, to focus on what is helping you survive and share in the comments to inspire other ladies who are feeling lost and looking for inspiration

Sandra McNicol

Photo by Mak💛💙 on Unsplash