The BBQ
Ever been to a gathering or bbq where the conversation focuses on children?
I have; so many times I can't even remember when it started. I've sat quietly while the women prepare salads and fuss over what plans need to be made for school holidays. I've flowed between chiming in on who needs what to drink and bringing up what's happening in my life, that never lasts long. I've headed outside to the men scattered around the BBQ having beers. I joke and laugh and eventually feel I've intruded on their space, sometimes I've had side looks from wives wondering why I'm mingle with the men. I shift to the kids and generally feel the most accepted, no judgement, just goofiness and my tall stories to entertain.
And I move through the circuit again, women, men, kids, mothers, fathers, children until I'm drunk, have a headache or created a tiktok with the kids.
If I had a partner with me, I had a buffer and sadly, legitimate safe conversation for everyone to ask about them. Was it better? Not for me really, me and my story still wasn't being acknowledged.
A year ago I shared my story right here for World Childless Week. I was talking about what I'd been through and I was gaining confidence.
2 months ago a neighbour invited me to their house for a BBQ, to celebrate a milestone. They have children and our dogs are play buddies. So I had my spidey senses on alert but I was primarily there to celebrate.
Everyone was gathered in the kitchen, men and women chatting. Then, like an old glove the conversation turned to children. Like a knee jerk reaction, I included myself by talking about an old partners kids. I was included and part of the conversation but it was an ill fitting jacket. I didn’t feel like i was being true to me. I noticed another woman who was older without kids. She was quiet during this dialogue, busying herself with salad making. I knew that woman.
The conversation moved outside, I sat with 5 other parents. One works in grief counselling. I asked her what she knew of disenfranchised grief. I shared my lived experience of disinfranchised grief through being childless by circumstance.
The table had tuned in so I shared by best example of disenfranchised grief, not being seen at a BBQ if you don't have children. I shared that I talked about it now but there was a women inside who probably felt very isolated by the earlier conversation inside. They asked questions, I gave them stats on how many are impacted by being childless. They questioned their own behaviours and talked of other childless friends who they hadn't considered might be hurting. I explained what my experiences had been like and they listened.
I felt the most authentic I had ever been at a BBQ, I was seen, I was me.
The evening carried on, I brought Livi the dog over for some play time, someone else got up and sang. Everyone moved on from children's talk and we saw each other for who WE are.
I've never felt happier about talking about being childless and changing the conversation.