My journey of childlessness began in 2013. I got married in 2009 and I simply assumed that the next step was to have children. Little did I know what was ahead! For the 4 years after our wedding, my husband and I suffered miscarriages involving surgery for me, an ectopic pregnancy, a confirmation that we were to have twins, a “missed miscarriage” and a diagnosis of low sperm motility as well as unexplained fertility. We were offered IVF as a last option, which we refused, being unable to bear the pain of living with another miscarriage (I did my homework and knew about the low success rates of IVF).

Following our decision to stop trying for a child, I bought all the books and did as much research and self-help as I possibly could. I returned to work after every miscarriage feeling like I was “going mad”. I experienced feelings of sadness, unworthiness, shame, embarrassment and paranoia, thinking that people were looking at me, judging me and talking about me. I experienced the usual “bingos” such as “keep trying, you are young, IVF works well, go for it, having children is overrated”etc… Not one person advised me to give myself a break, grieve what I had been through, practise self-care and consider trying again in the future should I feel ready. Not one person acknowledged the pain and sadness about what my husband and I had both been through, choosing instead to ignore it so it might go away. As Lisa Manterfield writes in her book “there were no sympathy cards, no bouquets of flowers, no casseroles delivered to the house & no notice in the local newspaper or on social media.…” I was of the opinion and was forced to believe that“I just had to get on with it”.

In March 2020, along came the Covid-19 pandemic. Like the rest of the world, my life was turned upside down. I was no longer able to engage in many of the activities I had (unknowingly) been engaging in to dampen or suppress my feelings of grief caused by being childless. I realised that I had neither acknowledged nor dealt with my grief when Covid-19 stopped me from using the coping strategies that had helped me for the past 11 years. These included going on short “staycations”, taking a few holidays abroad every year, hosting dinner parties, going to the pub, eating out in restaurants, visiting family and friends and doing voluntary work to help older people. I work in community healthcare rehabilitation and of course I was no longer able to do my work properly.

Suddenly I began feeling awful. The fact that every news and radio programme seemed to be only focusing on the hardships of parenting and family life during lockdown was probably the most difficult thing to cope with. The media appeared to only report on the sufferings and challenges of parents raising a family who were supposedly having the worst time. Meanwhile people living alone, people with disabilities, people who lost their jobs, people living abroad or nowhere near their family appeared to not have any significance during the days of lockdown and beyond. This really felt like pronatalism at its peak!

My feelings of guilt and uselessness along with the loss of purpose, meaning and identity in my work and leisure life led to me seeking medication and counselling. I have been aware of the Gateway Women online community for many years, however I always believed that I “was not that bad” and really could “go it alone” probably because I have always been very independent. The feelings that the pandemic placed on me however made me join Gateway Women and since then I have gained much support. Gateway Women has certainly allowed me to connect with other childless women, find support and validation for my feelings and has allowed me to talk more openly with my siblings and friends regarding being childless in this world where pronatalism is rife.

It has been hugely beneficial to share Jody Day’s Ted Talk about childlessness with my siblings and I firmly believe that this has broken down a big wall between us, which was preventing them from raising the subject of childlessness with me (which I now know was due to their fear of hurting my feelings). My siblings now regularly discuss the challenges (as well as the advantages!) of being childless with me.

The Covid-19 pandemic has been horrendous in so many ways and I would never choose to live through it again. However it has made me recognise that my feelings are those of grief, that I am not “going mad”, that my parents, siblings and friends respect and love me even though I am childless, and mostly that I am worthy to be a part of my community.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

F.C.

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash