The six words that break my heart

-               Exposing my Achilles’ heel, as a woman without children

I’ve come a long way since I became a woman without children. The path from mother-in-waiting to where I am today has taken me through more twists and turns than the most spine-chilling rollercoaster.

With the quiet and unfailing support of my wonderful family and friends – and the wisdom, the encouragement from some incredible mentors and guides and the inspiration from communities like World Childless Week – I have emerged a much stronger person.

Despite all that, there are six words – however well-meant – that still have the capacity to stop me in my tracks.

“You would make a great mum!”

Like a startled yet highly alert animal, I stand stock still, unable to decide whether to fight or take flight. So, I freeze. Reeling from the sound of the words as they reverberate around my head...and my heart!

“How dare you!” I scream silently inside. “Because, as a mother you’d know?! Thanks for validating me!” The sarcasm rises and threatens to tear apart the old wound.

“I know,” I reply, calmly. “But some things are not meant to be.” I gather myself, remembering that I am pouring all my nurturing energy into some very precious vessels. “I have found other ways to make a positive impact on the world.”

On a good day this steers the conversation into calmer water and this buoys me along. However, if I’m feeling more vulnerable – or my deflection doesn’t manage chart a new course – I go home to weather the storm.

If you are a parent and the topic of “having children" comes up in conversation, be careful with your words – as the Buddha said, “Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them, for good or ill.” I urge you to take a deep breath before responding to someone who answers, “No, I don’t have kids.”

If you are a woman without children, remember you are not alone. There are those of us who understand the tightrope you walk. In equal measure, our courage and our fragility are our gifts. Let us use them to support each other and educate the wider world that everyone’s path is different, yet equally valid.

Karen Abi-Karam

About Karen Abi-Karam: I am a Milestone Mentor who supports women through the major transitions in their lives, from puberty to menopause and the many joyous and heart-breaking stops along the way. Combining more than 15 years of holistic training and practice with a lifetime of personal experience, I have a particular passion for helping my clients to feel whole and able to live their best possible life - not least, those who, like me, have found themselves childless not by choice.

And if you’d like to spend time finding your voice in a supportive space with like-minded people join Karen for nurturing and unhurried day in Kent on Friday 24 January for a luxury mini-retreat. You’ll leave with more courage to tackle that question when it invariable comes.