“As a parent!”

I often wonder why some people with children feel the need to state “as a parent…” before everything they say? It does not increase their importance or add gravitas to their message. I still hear what they have to say but their opinions are no more or no less than anyone else.

We all have some experience with children, be that through work, through extended family or being a child ourselves once! We are not oblivious to parental or social issues in general, but often feel a little patronised by the “as a parent” brigade! Many within the childless community can empathise with parents and find there are alternate ways to express their maternal/paternal side, yet we often hear the stinging words “life began the day I became a mom/dad!”. Whether intentional or not I find when people start a sentence with “as a parent…” intentionally towards a non-parent it can appear condescending and smug. As if they hold themselves in a higher regard and to a greater value/purpose than those without children. It’s not as though we childless are still waiting for life to begin, nor does it mean we are all stereotypically selfish, carefree party animals, with endless disposable cash and no responsibilities! Far from it. We simply walk different paths. There are some perks, also times of envy for both parties, but looking down on others due to them having no children is misguided and cruel. You really don’t need to procreate in order to have the monopoly on compassion or understand the complex challenges of family dynamics. Many of the CNBC (childless not by choice) community understand to a great extent what our loved ones with kids go through. We have also longed for what they have and know it is not an easy role to fill. It’s respectful to appreciate people as a whole, as human beings. Not only as a mother or a father figure. We are all worthy.

“As a parent I have empathy!”

“As a parent” is not a prerequisite for empathy! In fact, it makes no sense at all. I suggest they may be confusing empathy for sympathy. Empathy is an ability to feel in your heart how someone else feels. Walking in their shoes and viewing things from their perspective, regardless of your personal situation. It involves showing compassion and respecting beliefs that are not necessarily the same as your own, whilst trying to understand them. Holding space for someone and expecting nothing in return. Really listening and not assuming. Regardless of how many children, one’s gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, financial standing, geography and many other factors do not prevent you from empathising with somebody on a completely different path to you. It involves casting aside any personal judgements and accepting that other views and feelings are equally as valid as your own! There is no room for grandiose egos or superiority complexes, such as the assumption that ONLY parents grow wise and knowledgeable. Heck, I have my own set of parents that completely disprove that theory! Sympathy on the other hand infers feeling sorry for or pity towards another. Nobody who identifies as CNBC in my experience likes to be pitied, but we do long for empathy! To be understood. It removes stigmas and breaks down barriers. When it does come to using the phrase “as a parent…” it is perfectly acceptable and appropriate conversing from one parent to another whilst discussing and sympathising shared parenting experiences. It is another story when using that phrase within the childless community, and it is completely irrelevant to being empathetic.

Anon