Emily in Colorado, USA

What should I do with all this stuff?

What should I do with all these ultrasound photos?

I took them off the fridge once I lost the pregnancies, and they live in a box under the bed.

What should I do with my childhood treasures I was saving to pass to my future children?

American Girl Doll collection, Polly Pockets, My Littlest Pet Shop.

What should I do with the onesie in the box under my bed?

It says “Our next big adventure” - eye roll, sigh.

What should I do with those maternity jogger pants I bought in excitement?

Why did I even buy them before having a bump?

What will happen to my childhood teddy, Boo-Boo, when I die?

Will my beautiful old blue bear end up in a landfill?

Who will be there?

Who will be looking out for me when I’m 80?

Will I be all alone? Will anyone notice me?

Do they even notice me now?

Who will take in my beloved cats and treat them the way I do, if/when I die?

The idea of them being forgotten or in a shelter cripples me with anxiety.

What will life look like?

What will life look like in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? 20 years? 30 years?

Should I move internationally? Should I move to the Caribbean?

What should I do every weekend?

How will I pass the time without a family of my own to surround me?

I had anticipated being a caretaker.

A soccer mom, possibly.

I do have so many hobbies, but they only fill up so much time.

Why?

Why do I miscarry? Why do their heartbeats stop so suddenly?

Was it something I did in my past? Something I do now?

Do I exercise enough? Or too much?

Do I eat healthy enough?

Is something wrong with my body?

Or is it some other cause and I’m totally fine?

Is it my age?

If I had tried younger, would I have succeeded?

Why does it seem so simple for so many others?

What if?

What if I tried one more time? Would that pregnancy survive?

I cannot try one more time, but I still wonder.

What if I found a surrogate? Would I be happy in a few years with a baby?

I do not want this path, but I still wonder.

What if I adopted? Would I be happy in a few years with a baby?

I do not want this path, but I still wonder.

What if one of my pregnancies had survived?

If my first survived, I’d have a 2 year old - Aspen

If my second survived, I’d have a 1.5 year old - Loxley

If my third survived, I’d have a 7 month old - River

If my fourth survived, I’d be due this October - Ash

Would I have felt the belly kicks? Would I have worn cute maternity dresses?

What do people think?

Do people pity me?

Do people tip toe around me?

Do people blame me?

I fear conspiracies like “She drank so much in college!” or “She got vaccinated!”

Will I ever?

Will I ever be able to be around babies again?

Will I ever be able to have strong relationships with parent-friends again?

Will I ever not be sad?

Will I ever not feel exhausted?

Will I ever enjoy a birthday again?

Will I ever enjoy sex and intimacy again?

Will I ever not feel lonely?

Will I ever love myself again?