Anonymous

*Names changed to protect privacy.

She claimed she didn’t mean to say it. She said she got “lost in the moment” and she was not even considering how it might sound to me. But there was a serious problem: this comment was one of a series of comments that hurt from this woman who had carried me in her womb.

She and I were in a high pressure situation a few years ago when the worst comment hit the air. My sister *Kathy was about to have her firstborn, so my Dad and youngest sister *Ann flew overseas to be with her and her husband. Ann had two young daughters with her husband, and so my Mom agreed to keep Ann’s girls for the duration of the overseas trip.

At the time, I was living with my parents recovering from my husband’s death, as well as grappling with my infertility grief.

My Mom was constantly saying things that would have been completely appropriate for any of my 3 other sisters with children, but directed at me, lacerated my infertility wound. I felt like my Mom wasn’t even recognizing me for how I was and am unique from my sisters (all Fertile Myrtles like herself).

My Dad and sister Ann had just left the previous day. Mom and I had my nieces. There was a moment when my younger niece saw a patch of sunlight on the kitchen floor, and she danced to it and sang a song in her head. I started to enjoy the sight, until my Mom ruined it.

She was smiling, and turned to me, and said, “See? Now, THAT is why I had seven kids.”

I was speechless at first, the cruelty and arrogance of her words cutting into me. I’m her firstborn daughter, infertile since puberty which means I never got to choose whether or not I wanted children. I inherited my infertility, I didn’t choose it. The only choice left for me to make was whether I accept my childless life, and whether I become better or bitter about it.

I got my Mom’s attention and in private told her that comment was really out of line, even cruel to an infertile woman. I said if she continued making similar comments I would stay in my room and not participate in taking care of my nieces - she could do it without me. She apologized and said she didn’t mean to hurt me, and she would try very hard to avoid further comments that hurt me.

The rest of the days with my nieces, Mom did restrain the comments that hurt me. I kept my end of the deal and helped take care of my sister’s girls. My Dad and sister Ann returned from overseas excited to have been present for the birth of Kathy’s firstborn, a beautiful little girl. Soon, Ann took her girls and flew home to her husband.

Photo by Thanos Pal on Unsplash