Why me with the unexplained infertility?  The endless search for an answer, a reason.

Why me with the IVF treatments?  The draining need for a false sense of being ever hopeful and a smile for the clinic staff?

Why me with the need to make such difficult decisions?  When to stop - when we’ve spent what should be our maternity leave fund? How old is too old? Do we try adoption? Isn’t that just even more punishment for being infertile?

Why me needing to be the one who is different?  I just want to be “normal”, just want to fit in like everyone else and yet I’m now alone in my circle, a lone rider with the mute button on, silently pretending it’s all ok but having my heart ripped out listening to all the kids talk.

Why me feeling like I want to shout but am too scared?  Shout about how unfair it all is, how lucky the parents are, how we matter too and how being a kind, thoughtful, empathetic person IS enough. 

Why me needing to deal with all the resentment inside me?  The discomfort of feeling this way, not knowing how to break out of it?The dichotomy of knowing I am a decent human being but needing to deal with the sometimes horrible thoughts I have towards those more fortunate than us.

Why me always needing to be strong?  Strength to cope with pregnancy announcements, strength to listen to the neighbours’ kids calling for their Dad, strength to have to have therapy. I’m fed up of being strong. 

Sometimes I ask myself why NOT me?  Sadly, infertility exists and it happens to people like me so why not me?  My life has been pretty plain sailing until now and everybody needs a “thing” don’t they?  Something that they need to have dealt with, struggled with?  I’m fed up of being the poster girl for infertility amongst my friends but also have a new found need to share, to talk about my experiences so that others are not treated in the way I have been.  “Fairness and awareness” are what I am drawn to and I truly hope that at some point the “why me” questions will quieten.  That I can work towards my life being more than infertility.  I can’t say that I have the map to get there yet but I know where to find it and whilst I know it’ll have its twists and turns, its anger and frustrations I’m on the journey and that’s what matters.

Caroline T