It’s just over 2 months since our final round of IVF. I’m only just beginning to ‘feel’ it, partly down, I think, to being bed-ridden for 3 days with a bad summer cold/flu. It’s funny how when you’re in emotional turmoil often your physical health deteriorates until you must stop. I’ve started reading Jody Day’s ‘Living the Life Unexpected’ and can’t get a through a few pages without manically underlining things or crying. It all feels rather hopeless right now.

I married young, at 25 and was separated by 30, divorced by 32. I never really wanted kids with him (I think I knew our relationship wasn’t right). I never really craved kids like friends did, but when I arbitrarily thought about the future growing up, I always assumed that there would be 1 or 2 kids in it. I met my current partner when I was 32, we started trying for kids when I was 34. My desire for children really kicked in when I met him & we were secure – I daydreamed about our kids, what they’d be like and what we’d be like as parents. We bought a house big enough for a family.

I’ve had endometriosis and adenomyosis for my whole life. I was diagnosed at 18; have had multiple operations and am completely debilitated every month so I knew deep down that it may be tough to conceive. We told friends we were trying; in retrospect I wish we hadn’t in some ways. A few months in a girlfriend said to me ‘are you still trying?’. Yep. A year went by, and nothing. ‘Are you still trying?’. Yep. A year and half. Nothing. A couple of friends announced pregnancies. Then a couple more. Although outwardly I was thrilled for them, I felt like I’d been wounded every time I heard.

18 months in we saw the doctor, who asked us to do a heap of blood tests at specific times of the month to check hormone levels. All were fine. We were referred to Guys Hospital and they recommended IVF, due to our age and my history. I actually felt excited…here was our chance at becoming parents. I knew the odds were low but I don’t think we really considered it properly, as you only hear the ‘good’ stories of miracle babies and IVF working first time. I found IVF horrendous. I had so many side effects due to my endo. My partner was away on the morning of the pregnancy test after our 1st fresh cycle, I couldn’t sleep and did it at 5am…and it was positive! I couldn’t stop crying and phoned him in Paris and we both cried down the phone to each other in sheer shock and happiness.

Our week 8 scan was great, and we were cleared to be released from the IVF clinic. Week 11 I started bleeding. After a scan we were assured that everything was fine – it’s ‘very common’, just take it easy. Week 13 we had our 12-week scan, and everything looked perfect. We finally began to believe it all. 3 days later I had pain all day through my back and stomach, which felt like bad wind. I couldn’t sleep and at 3am went to the toilet and saw bright red blood. We were both terrified and I laid back down on the bed for an hour willing it to stop, but the pain was excruciating. We called an Uber and went to A&E. The baby (or Little Bean as we had been calling her – I’m so convinced that it was a girl) came out about an hour later in the bathroom – it was one of the most painful and scariest things I’ve ever experienced. We hadn’t even been seen by anyone yet. My partner was on the other side of the door and I kept crying ‘I think I’ve lost the baby, I think I’ve lost the baby’. We didn’t know what to do and I’ve never felt complete loss or emptiness like that. It was horrific.

I don’t really know how we got through the next few weeks, and then Covid and lockdown hit 2 months later. I was secretly glad to be able to retreat and not have to see people. Multiple friends had been pregnant at the same time, and one by one were giving birth to healthy, beautiful babies. I couldn’t bear to see them or read messages about how happy everyone was.

We tried IVF again in the September and then again in the May of this year. Neither time was successful. Both times made me feel horrendous. We always said we’d do 3 rounds, something felt right that we could walk away after 3 and not feel like ‘we hadn’t tried hard enough’. I knew the final round hadn’t worked even before the blood test as my period started. I couldn’t take any time off work as I was covering paternity leave in my team (the irony).

2 months later I’m still confident in the decision not to do anymore rounds. I’m 38 now and although I know women are successful with IVF into their 40’s I’m suddenly aware of being nearly 40 and that I don’t want to be any older than this as a mum. I don’t want to put my poor body through more hormones. I don’t want to be living dual lives anymore, or ‘shadow lives’ as Jody puts it. I’m fed up with feeling constantly ‘less than’ because I can’t get pregnant. I want my life back. I want my sense of self back. I want to feel excited about the future again and I want to be able to make plans, without thinking ‘but I may be pregnant then’.

But equally, I’m struggling to work out who I am now. Where I fit. What I can offer the world and what it can offer to me. I feel bruised and battered. There’s a deep sense of sadness that is just underneath the surface and feels so bloody heavy. I just really hope there’s a moment in time where the universe unveils why we haven’t been able to have a family and we go ‘ahhhhh’ and feel a sense of lightness. That’s what I’m holding onto and hoping for right now.

Charlie

Photo by Martino Pietropoli on Unsplash