Marie-Hélène

I am a nearly 50-year-old childless and infertile woman. I have always had a cat. Since I was two years old, we always had a cat in the house. My sister was 9 years older than me. So my cat was my play mate. When I was around 9, we went to a family farm and I found a kitten in the barn. When we were ready to leave, I had him in my arms inside the car. My mom, taken aback, asked me why I wanted my own cat. I told her: “I’ll tell it all my secrets”. She let me keep it once we gave him a thorough bath as soon as we got home. He grew up with me. He was always around, being an indoor cat. Sometimes making trouble like climbing on my mom’s curtains, playing with the xmas tree ornaments or doing his claws on our family couch. He was always there. Whether I was happy or upset, he was there. When I came home from school, he was there. We kept him till the end of his life, even if he once stole an entire fish from our kitchen counter which he dragged all the way to the basement onto my deceased grandmother’s hand-woven carpet. He was part of our family. My mom, who wasn’t a cat person, was talking to him in the kitchen when she thought no one was looking. Each member of our family spoke to him or said hello in his presence. When he got old and very sick, we had him put down. I couldn’t go to the vet to do it. I was a pile of tears on the floor. My baby boy. My best friend. My witness to everything…..

Several years later, my spouse and I went to get a kitten at the SPCA. We both adored cats. We took care of her and were there for her always as she was growing up. She was a witness to every step of our lives, the good times and the bad. She made us laugh: like when we found her sleeping in my pile of unfiled papers. She also scared us: like when she fell off our balcony. She reacted when we fought: like suddenly jumping on the bed between us as we were screaming at each other (something she had never done before). She was a witness and a companion to my operations, my miscarriages, my tears, my anger, my laughter. She was always around. Just BEING there. This small, calm presence….with NO judgment.

A few years later, my spouse’s grandmother passed away and she had a cat that needed a home. The family asked us if we would take her in and we said “yes”. Having two cats at once was new for me. They didn’t like each other. Eventually, we found some kind of balance in our growing family…the two cats found a way of tolerating each other, with a few paw fights once in a while.

Quickly, the second cat fell ill, all kinds of health issues, teeth problems and thyroid problems at first. We were there for her. Always. We had agreed that no living being should suffer under our roof. Then she fell gravely ill….we found out she had cancer…we kept her till the very end when she was always hiding, coming out only to eat the special yummy food we had gotten her. We had to make the very difficult decision to put her down. A difficult decision, as during the nine years we had her, we were doing IVF to have a baby. In the meantime, this cat was the most affectionate cat ever….very anxious, very needy (not at all like my first one who is so independent)…she was very much like my “furrbaby”. I even got her a cat sling, to alleviate her high level of anxiety. So when she died, I lost this special bond with a needy cat. Not a baby for sure, but to me, it was something that resembled that.

After she passed away, I was left with my first cat who is now 16 years old and who is living her last years. At first, I wanted to get a second kitten. I guess I felt the need to take care of a baby “something”. My spouse did not want another cat. He wanted us to focus on our first “furr baby” and give her all of our love and all of our attention for the last years of her life, as she had sacrificed nine years of her life sharing her home and her humans with a very needy and very sick second cat. It took me a while, but I finally saw the point in that situation, so we have been living just the three of us for a few years now.

We are now back to the old days, just the three of us. We observe her take back ownership of the entire house. She is calmer, she interacts with us so much more, in her presence around us and in her miaws toward us. When I make supper, she smells the food and she gets ready to get her “share” by sitting on the couch, because she knows we will go there to eat and watch TV. When we have a party, she is outside with us and she interacts with the people she is familiar with. When she gets attacked in the yard by a wondering male cat, we are there in just a few seconds, scaring the intruder with screams and a water gun. She knows our screams and water gun are for the intruder and not for her, as she stays close to us.

My cat has my back and I have hers. We are a team. She never judges me, unlike other humans. My cat accepts me just as I am. She teaches me how to BE. Not DO, but just BE. BE in the moment. Enjoy the present moment. There is nothing better than that. Being in the present moment is the goal of life. It’s where we find true peace and true joy. It’s where we find SOUL. No judgements, no expectations, no preferences. Accepting what IS. I learned all this from her. And it’s not easy. The human world pulls me in other directions like social expectations, comparing myself to others, feeling shame because I don’t fulfill the expected roles of what a woman should be. But when I come home, I see her there waiting for me, and I am reminded to come back to what is essential. Her, my spouse and me, our simple, calm and loving life together. Is she my child? No. But she is a dependent being that needs me to take care of her because she cannot do it on her own. So she fills the role of what people call a “furr baby”. She is my cat, my friend, my companion, she is part of my family.

We often hear parents talk down to us childless people for having “furr babies”. As if we are ridiculous or as if our animals shouldn’t be elevated to the level of family members. I really don’t know what to answer to that, other than everyone has the right to build their lives and their families as they wish. Some families have a mom, a dad, kids…others have two moms…some families have members who were adopted….others have members with different skin colors….some are a bunch of friends….others have animals. I don’t judge others for their life choices. If they are happy, I am happy for them. If I could have had children, I would have had them, but I can’t. I went through the gruesome journey of infertility. I have had to accept my childless situation, even if I didn’t like it. That was an extremely difficult thing to do. It took me many years, but I was able to achieve peace and joy in a life that I did not choose. I made the best of a bad situation. Whatever your life circumstances, I wish that you feel at peace, happy, loved, proud and safe!