7th July 2021

After the Euro 2020 football yesterday, my good friend who is Italian texted me ‘Gianni watched with us and she is so passionate about Italy… I am glad to pass this on.’

The comment went to my heart and I realised that I would never pass on my love of football. The legacy of the England shirt.

I would not be able to pass on my memories from the games I remember. The first being Mexico 86: seeing Gary Lineker, staying up late to watch the games with the time zone difference, talking about the games the next day in school, the hand ball of Maradona. The heartache.

World Cup 90 and David Platt with his last minute goal. The heartache.

My university years and Euro 96, which was the time I met this Italian friend. The songs we sang - Three Lions and yes the heartache once again.

And now my heart aches even more, knowing that my love of football will be something I never pass on. Something else my children will never know; something else I cannot share with them.

I am pulled into the excitement of this day, the Euro 2020 semi-final, and I remember my unborn child’s name and the footballer who shared it. That would have been his story, it would have started with the football. But that never happened and now I am left with hurt, pain and the realisation that I will not hand this love down.

My story is now different, it is one of a woman without children, who wanted them. A life she would never have chosen, a life she is faced with. In the midst of my grief a few years ago, I would never have realised that my way forward would be to also help people in a similar position to myself. My legacy now is meditation. Sharing meditation, teaching meditation and allowing in creativity through meditation.

I started to use meditation 30 years ago, during my A-level studies. It was something I used to help me relax and focus. I forgot about this tool during my work years and only went back to it due to a stressful job. Practising meditation allowed me to see the deep benefits within my own life and this led to a change in career for me.

However this change to the health and well-being world is not easy for the woman who has not ‘achieved’ what she thought she would. The well-being world gives out the idea that you can achieve and have whatever you want - as long as you eat healthy enough, think positive enough, meditate enough, are spiritual enough etc. That was not my reality and I felt like an imposter saying that people can receive inner peace and at the same time, not ‘receiving’ what I wished for.

I came away from that world during my childlessness loss, but one thing - meditation - kept coming back. That is why I believe this is the legacy I will leave. I can bring this meditation love to support people like me -  childless not by choice. There is no need to endure classes where there may be talk about children, or classes where the teacher may become pregnant. I can be happy that my legacy creates a space where the childless community can be comfortable and able to take small steps forward.

Leaving a legacy does not have to be something I leave behind in memories. It does not have to be the football and memories associated with that. I can leave a bit of myself for this community of childlessness and I can be happy with that.

Bindi Shah