Hi, I’m Janet, now aged 71 unbelievably, how time has flown. I am childless through circumstance. I always thought I would have a husband and children. I was young and lived through the 1960s and 1970s in London. A hedonistic life through years of music, drugs and parties, I always managed to work, maintain friendships and relationships with men, albeit chaotic. Eventually my contemporaries moved on from this, forming couples and families, I didn’t.

I struggled with what I now know was unacknowledged grief and became more dependent on alcohol. My life became increasingly chaotic and lonely. Eventually I sought profession help and became sober by my fortieth birthday. A brief, unsatisfactory marriage left me still lonely and still childless. I began to understand that my time to become a mother had passed but I still searched for that wonderful relationship with a man that I had never found.

I had always read a great deal and books were my saviour. Fiction was my escape and self help books and those about spirituality were my support. I always had a strong sense that this current physical life was not all there was and read the ‘new age’ books widely. Many authors helped me to maintain a sort of sanity. Coming across the literature about childlessness by Jody Day and others was a revelation and lifted a weight from my heart. Suddenly I didn’t feel so alone and a failure. There were others too!

I can’t say that my life turned out to be wonderful although I came to some acceptance of my situation. I love drawing, painting, travelling, visiting galleries, and have valued friends, although their loss as we age and some of us die is very difficult. My beliefs in spirituality were always very strong and keep me going.

There are many things I have felt grateful for . However this can fluctuate. I can congratulate myself one minute on how well I coping alone in a family orientated world, the next I am floored by a flood of grief and anger, although perhaps not so keen as in younger years, it reopens old wounds. An example – I was really looking forward to reading the most recent book by a very well known author. The opening lines of the first chapter in the book read

The first things she notices was her skin. So smooth for somebody of fifty. Eerily smooth, but then Mandy had never had children – never been married, as far as Phoebe knew – none of the normal wear that makes a women look used.

These sweeping statements undermined all the suffering and sorrow that have been experienced by many women without children and/or a husband. My life experiences apparently do not count as according to the author I have experienced none of the ‘normal wear’!

As I age and lose friends and thus my support, reminders of my childless state are stark. Remaining friends and family talk of grandchildrens’ birthdays, achievements, visits, marriages, babies. Their family expands, mine shrinks, nieces and nephews are distant. Covid has removed many social contacts which stood to some extent in place of family. live in the presentWho will visit me in the inevitable care home?

Ideally how would I like to live now? I think some form of sheltered housing would be the best option for the single and childless. Apartments, preferably bigger than the tiny rabbit hutch size of the majority of such housing. Opportunities for social interaction and shared interests would hopefully relieve some of the feelings of isolation and loneliness. Access to medical care when necessary. All this is in the form of ‘retirement villages’ is already available to the well off. I am not one of those, so I will be dependent on the local council, I hope that there will be some sheltered accommodation left.

For now I try to live in the present, be grateful for today and the existence of a higher power.

My hope would be that the vision of many for a new world and way of being following this period of global and personal disruption will come about. A more egalitarian society where all are respected regardless of race, creed, income levels or family status. A world where all will be welcomed equally, have their contributions to make and receive and all lives will have meaning, satisfaction and joy. Although this possibility may seem a long way off at the moment, I hope and believe that, as predicted by many, the coming decades will see this change.

Janet Jacobs