LC

Ever since I can remember, the question of where I’m from or where I belong has been somewhat of a quandary for me. I was born and raised in South-East Asia to parents of Indian descent. I don’t speak any Indian languages but speak Bahasa Melayu (Malay) as my 2nd language with equal fluency to English. These days, when asked where I’m from, I say that I’m South-East Asian and Australian. I have lived in Australia for more than half my life and chose to become an Australian citizen 25 years ago.

So what does this all mean? It means that intersectionality is at the core of who I am. Culturally, I was told from a young age that there was an expectation for me to be married in my 20s and have at least one child before I turned 30. But before getting married, I should have completed an undergraduate degree (medicine/law/engineering were the top 3 choices) from a reputable university. Marriage to a “suitable” boy who would be at least 3-5 years older than me and he would also be well qualified and come from a “good family”. In addition to all this, I was raised Anglican so there was never any question that I would ever have a child before marriage. But there would be marriage and kids for sure.

Wow, just reading all that has exhausted me! Are you still with me? Hope so!

Here’s how my life really turned out.

• My parents had an arranged marriage that was doomed from the start and resulted in a traumatic childhood for my sibling and I.

• I moved to Australia as a teenager to complete high school and then went onto university. Phew, at least I got a degree in engineering!

• I realised in my mid-20s that I was never going to accept an arranged marriage and nor did I want to ever marry someone from my own community as I knew how judgemental they would be about my parents no longer being together.

• I got engaged at 31 to a guy I met while on holidays with my Mum. She strongly persuaded me to pursue a relationship with him despite being from another country. I felt obliged to make her happy so I went along with things until I realised, 3 months before the wedding, that he was the WRONG person for me.  

My thirties were a series of bad dates, a handful of wrong relationships and lots of amazing travel adventures. I recall many people on both sides of the family continually pestering me or sending my mother various recommendations for suitable matches from Malaysia, Canada, the US and Australia.

When I finally met my husband, I was in my late thirties. I felt a collective sigh from the family….at last I was going to be married off. With a handful of spinsters in my Mum’s side of the family, there was a clear direction that staying unmarried for the rest of my life would only bring the wrong kind of attention for any younger cousins seeking marriage.

I am one of many female cousins on my Mum’s side but there are only two of us who have had no children. One of us is childfree by choice while I consider myself childless, first by circumstances and then due to infertility.

I did face a certain level of racial prejudice when I chose to marry someone non-Indian.  In fact, I have a first cousin on my father’s side living in the same city as me. My husband and I have never been invited to a meal at her house, nor have we been invited to any family gatherings.

I know that my cousin and her husband are worried that their children will see my biracial marriage as an acceptable choice….and they definitely don’t want to dilute the family with another race! But somehow, it’s perfectly okay to move to a country that’s not your place of birth to get all the benefits of a multicultural society but avoid learning to mix/assimilate with different cultures.

Here's what I’d love to bring to the attention of anyone from any ethnic background (especially those who have children):

• Love your children no matter what they choose to do in life.

• Let your children have the freedom to choose whomever they love.

• Please don’t put pressure on your children to follow a certain career path or get married by a certain age or to get married at all.

• Please be gentle with your children if they take a while to find their life partner.

• Please understand that not everyone is able to have a child so don’t put extra pressure on your children to have kids.

• If your kids aren’t able to have children (or are unsure about having kids), that is THEIR life.

• Don’t ask intrusive questions of family members who are single or who haven’t had a child. You will never know what someone is going through and it’s not your business to ask personal questions.