Palo Barker

This is an imaginary conversation with my mother after her death, when we were estranged.

Unbridged

Mum:  I loved you with all my heart and you hated me.

Me:     I didn’t know how to love you, you made me feel worthless.

Mum:  You were my daughter, of course I loved you.

Me:     I was your daughter, why did have to be so harsh to me?

Mum:  You broke my heart and rejected me.

Me:     I thought I had no heart, you taught me to be cold and hard.

Mum:  I tried to teach you how to not get hurt, you were too soft and giving.

Me:     I learnt nothing but how to stay silent and not care or love.

Mum:  You were meant to love and respect me.

Me:     You were meant to be soft and value me.

Mum:  You were always going to leave me and become someone else’s daughter.

Me:     I couldn’t wait to leave you and belong to someone who cherished me.

Mum:  You were never mine; my mother-in-law stole you.

Me:     I was never yours, Gran loved me and used me as a weapon against you.

Mum:  What did I do that was so bad?

Me:     Why didn’t you love me like you loved my brother?

Mum:  After my son, and my baby daughter, I couldn’t have loved you more.

Me:     I was your daughter; I should’ve mattered as much.

Mum:  You were jealous.

Me:     I was jealous, I was always 2nd or 3rd best.

Mum:  Daughters always come after sons.

Me:     I wanted to be treated as equal, I still do.

Mum:  Whatever you did I loved you, even when you stopped talking to me.

Me:     If I could go back and say sorry, I would give everything I have and will ever be.

I will never have the chance to atone, or see you again.

This heartbreak will never ease or soften.

This regret is all I know.