Arpinder

Do you feel there are additional pressures on you as a childless person of colour? Have familial pressures, cultural norms or religious expectations added to the pressure of being childless? Have you met racial prejudice or discrimination alongside judgement?

What do you encounter that is hidden from society that needs to be brought to the forefront and exposed?

ਮੁੰਡਾ Munda (moon-dah)*

‘A childless person of colour’ - now here’s a label I haven’t consciously appreciated, or at least I don’t think I have. Not a  identity-tag, a descriptor I have ever considered to mention on introduction.

Hello there, my name is Arpinder-  yes I’m Indian, female …ha to state the obvious, married yes…and no, I don’t have any littln’s …and no to not yet…no plans to…yes really…childfree thanks…nope, no pets either

…that’s the general back and forth.

However, I am ‘a childless person of colour.’ Why do I not more readily express this… Why haven’t I? In all these years, how has it, and how does it, impact my journey as a childless female?

Where to start? Hmm…let’s add another identity tagger. Punjabi.

Female. Indian. Punjabi.

How best to term ‘Punjabi family’ - well replace nuclear with extended, and you’ll get the gist of what the typical Punjabi family make-up is. A horde of people…aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, elders..in your business, are your business, know your business, judge your business. And I have married a gorgeous being...but yes, he too happens to be part of a Punjabi family. And his is even more numerous… think legion..think ever-increasing drove! And what has this equated to for me: a double onslaught of an aspect of Punjabi culture that I vehemently struggle to tolerate, yet alone accept.

Before I delve further however, it would be remiss of me to not champion and acknowledge the countless values and traditions which my Punjabi heritage has enriched me with- these are plentiful, these are cherished. However, an element that has impacted me, and was felt all the more keenly during our once hopeful journey to parenthood and then again in our choice to be childfree, is the unfortunate preference males, sons, receive.

Sad to say, but in my own experiences, to bear a son is an accolade of the highest order. To be a son, is to be surmounted with immense expectation, but even so, as a son, you will never fall from grace. A son will be indiscriminately supported, backed, loved, cherished …any wrongs righted. Ridiculous you cry…I agree, wholeheartedly, but unfortunately, this is an ugly truth many Punjabi females weather, and many Punjabi males have to manage.

Growing up, I was acutely aware that I was considered subordinate, second-fiddle to my brother, my cousin brothers… the next nephew. Fast forward thirty years-  married into another Punjabi family- that belief system still surrounds me. As an adult, however, I hoped I had shed these notions, understood their absurdity, and stood tall as a Punjabi female, equal to my male Punjabi counterpart. During our infertility struggles that feeling of being less- than, of being subordinate,  however flooded back. Unconsciously I came to realise I had interpreted it, swallowed it, authorised it as truth. Not only did I feel less-than as a female, but I was now less-than because my infertility was impacting a son, a brother, a nephew. Because of me, ‘he’ would suffer, ‘he’ would be without. ‘He’ would be a great father they shout.

Because of she, ‘he’ could not.

The guilt of being the one in the family who could not create a family was, and admittedly, still can, overwhelm me.

Are these feelings you ask a truth for most childless females, let alone those married or in a partnership? Are these feelings not something intrinsic to the Punjabi culture?  

Perhaps.

Would I feel the same isolation if I wasn’t punjabi?

Possibly. It’s hard to call…

Are my feelings of ‘otherness,’ of alienation, of invalidation as a childfree female heightened by this reverence for males, for sons, and minimisation of women in the Punjabi culture that I belong to? Has this conditioning made this struggle, our childfree choice, harder to live by? Is this its impact?

Quite probably.

Hello there, my name is Arpinder-  yes I’m Indian, female …ha to state the obvious, married yes…and no, I don’t have any littln’s …and no to not yet…no plans to…yes really…childfree thanks…nope, no pets…of colour… either.

*In Punjabi, the word used for 'boy' is "ਮੁੰਡਾ" (pronounced as "moon-dah").