Amanda

I am a childless stepmother.

Being a stepmother is hard.

Being a childless stepmother is extremely hard.

Being a childless step-grandmother is on another emotional level.

Now comes the expectation to be happy for everyone and to be involved in all of the gender reveal parties, baby showers, births, first birthday parties, and everything else as the babies grow up.

But don't expect to be part of Christmas morning with Santa, the first day of school, grandparents' days at school, and many other milestones the biological grandmother gets to be involved in.

I love the grandkids, but I don't feel like a grandmother. How can I feel like a grandmother when I’ve never felt like a mother?

I'm not the matriarch of the family. I'm not the first one everyone thinks about on Mother's Day. Sometimes I'm not thought about at all. Most of the time, I feel awkward, as if I’m standing on the outside looking in.

I’ve never talked to my stepkids about my infertility. They won’t understand, and I suspect they are relieved that their dad and I didn’t have a child together.

Now, many years later, I am happily childfree after infertility. At the same time, I am filled with grief as I watch my husband be a father and a grandfather.

I have a great marriage, and a great life, despite the hole in my heart and the awkwardness of being a stepparent and step-grandparent.

Photo by Zoe on Unsplash