Maria

You will never know who I really am, who I could have been had I been your mother.

I came into your life as a secret, then as your mother’s friend and finally as your mother’s girlfriend. Had I been your father’s girlfriend, we would have had a legitimate relationship of step-mother and step-son that people would recognize. You would have seen me every other weekend and we would have had a mostly fun or innocuous relationship.

But I was dating your mother, so I go an everyday front room seat to your growing from a child to a man. I never got the tender baby moments when acceptance and love are given without reservation to the person who shows love. I missed most of the young elementary age times when you formed who you would be. I came when you were 11 and finding out who you would be by testing your boundaries.

Who I am a step-mother is not who I would have been as a mother. Since we never married, am I even a step-mother? When I disagreed with some decision of your parents, I had to bite my tongue to keep the peace with my partner. When I spoke up it was dismissed because what would I know since I never had children? I would have made some different decisions and I will always remember our conversation about how you wouldn’t have been so entitled if I had been your mother. You said it wouldn’t have been allowed. We both laughed and you said that I would have been a great mother. Even in this most tender of moments between us, we both know I’m not a mother and never will be.

When the milestone events occurred, I had to sit in the row behind the real parents. You did not have enough college graduation tickets, so I had to attend the dinner after and not the graduation. Then your father didn’t show up, so I was able to take his ticket and see your graduation. That graduation explains my role with your mother. If the real parents have arrived, there is no place for me. If your father can’t make it, I’m an acceptable temporary substitute.

We’ve had some rocky moments but I thank you for the joys that you brought into my life. You have truly been a bonus but can I even call you a bonus son when I don’t have my own child?

Watching your wife grow larger in pregnancy was painful to see. It reminded me how I would never be a grandmother as well. You asked me what I wanted my grandmother name to be. I said simply grandma but that name was already taken by the real grandma. You suggested “Abuela” because of my Latin roots. My Latin roots were in English and I never called my own grandmother “Abuela.” It seems fitting that I would have a name that doesn’t hold the precious memory I have of my Mexican grandmother. Instead of accepting this gift that you offered, I’ve kept my distance. That precious baby arrived a day after my hysterectomy along with a grief I never expected.

I am afraid to be a grandmother to this baby because being a step-grandmother won’t be the same experience. What would I know about being a grandmother, since I was never a mother? If I embrace this gift with an open heart, I know it will be crushed when I’m reminded that I would have been a great grandma. Or when my opinion is not as valued because I’m not the real grandma.

Photo by Cole Keister on Unsplash