Paula

I have become a Step-Parent twice in my 68 years. My first husband had two lovely children who were quite young - 5 & 7 when I first met him. We married as soon as we could after his divorce; I was 41, late I know to be thinking about getting on with the business of having children, only problem was, he had had a vasectomy when he was much too young; bad idea probably of his doctor and then wife but we had faith that with the reversal we would be fine. Physically I was fine with no history of menstrual problems and all my family had children by that time. Several agonising years later and after two failed attempts at IVF we parted company and I have never seen him or his children since. That’s when I started to really feel the ‘hole’ in my heart.

After a time I met my second husband, by then all thoughts of having children had passed into a painful ‘locker in my heart’.  He tries very hard to understand my pain and is sympathetic but he too has two very nice children, this time they were in their teens and twenties so yes, I’ve had the best of both worlds in terms of ‘pretending’ I’m part of society i.e. having kids in my life, and I do count myself fortunate to at least have this, but it’s never the same, as I’m sure all the other childless people reading this will agree; the blood tie isn’t there. I have nephews and nieces and some of them have had children of their own and I definitely feel some connection to them but recently, after giving up any ideas that my current step-daughter would ever have any children (My husband and I felt sure there was a fertility problem which wasn’t being shared as she is in her late 30’s, I even hinted quite strongly when we last met that I was a good listener if she had anything troubling her) my stepdaughter announced her first pregnancy last year and gave birth to a baby boy in July this year.

Of course there were congratulations from family and friends and we were asked how we would like to be referred to by the baby, and I’m sure my husband appreciated that and felt some kind of pride but me NO! I felt nothing, empty and I’m almost ashamed to say angry that again, there was no-one in my family who really understood the deep and un-ending sadness I feel at being ‘outside the gate’.

I have a picture in my head of how I am in relation to society’s accepted vision of what it means to be in and part of The World, it’s of myself standing outside a large and very high fence and gate which is locked, inside of which is a large group of happy people in ‘happyland’, only those who have children are allowed into ‘the club’. I’m rattling the gate and begging to be let in but, I don’t have ‘the passport’ -  child.

I had hoped that the feeling of being left out and the awful dark moments and occasional tears would pass away with time but with every new stage of life there seems to be another mountain to climb, this one is called being a ‘Step-parent and Step Grandma’.

My husband, and I’m sure, the rest of my family, are probably hoping that this will finally be something for me to hang onto and stop worrying them with my distress, and perhaps it will. I’m quite good at keep my feelings pretty much under control in public, but there are occasions when my feelings ‘leak out’ and ‘the hole’ is weeping still.

The photo I’ve chosen for my story is of a wooden carving which I saw in a little café in the Lake District some years ago when travelling down from Scotland, I took a quick photo with my phone camera as it struck me then that this statue describes very accurately how it feels to be childless not by choice. I’ve often wondered if the person who carved it was a lady in my position, if she is, I hope she has found this group or some other support because it’s sorely needed.

Thank you Steph and Gateway Women for your voice in this world where not having children has, for so long, been in the shadows.