Anonymous

As a childless step-parent I say yes…I think so?

Bit of a scene setting preamble probably required. So I’m in an age-gap relationship (I know how many labels does a girl need?!) What this means is whilst I technically have a step-child, we were both adults when we came into each others’ lives. I am also very lucky to have an understanding and thoughtful husband who makes every effort to explore my feelings with me. Oh and I deal with everything in life with a deeply dark sense of humour, sarcasm and a foul mouth - I’ll try to keep it clean.

What all this does mean however is whilst I’ve been on this vile journey of discovering my childless status, the one person I usually rely on and turn to; the one person who I would expect to understand, simply can’t. And it is not his fault, it’s the pure and simple fact that he is a parent and I never will be.

My house is filled with so much love and my family is truly amazing but I will always be an outsider at times. There are early years I wasn’t part of and experiences I’ll never have. When friends and family announce their ‘happy news’ my dear beloved will never feel the stabbing pain I feel; he will never understand why sometimes I can’t just plaster a smile on and muck in. He tries to, but all he can offer me is sympathy, not empathy. There’s a big difference.

How does this affect me? Honestly I’m not sure I know, depends what day of the week it is! Like many of us, I have good days and bad days. I’m still getting used to this relatively new childless title I’ve been bestowed.

There have been some practical observations, early on in the journey the day of my cycle I was on became a living nightmare bordering on an obsession. Everything was planned around specific days, I didn’t want to make any plans for when my period was due because I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t take to my bed crying my heart out.  Factor this day by day planning with a visiting step child. Is it ok to ask your step son to visit next weekend rather than this one as you have scheduled in some sex with his father? Not Ok?... no?. Joking aside, this meant potentially missing that vital window or silently crying myself to sleep after fake smiling all day. Takes the romance out somewhat and is exhausting.

Then came the hospital appointments, do we explain all the visits or does an adult child really not want to hear what his father is up to? Due to some rather unforeseen horrendous circumstances (for a whole other topic) he and his girlfriend began facing their own traumatic journey as we were on ours. So we chose not to say anything. Which brought an element of secrecy into our little clan that I really didn’t like.

Generally this usually means I make the conscious choice to hide my feelings and make our family time the best it can be. Is that difficult - yes, is it the right thing to do - who knows. What I do know is, had I had the joy of being a parent I would have done everything in my power to keep heartache and sadness from my child’s door and I feel no different about my step son. I’d take any pain from him that was within my power in a heartbeat.

And this is the love isn’t it?  As my husband had a son already, I’ve never known a relationship with him that hasn’t involved all of us in the decision making. It’s always been the four of us, me him his son and his partner. We plan things together, we have family weekends and we holiday together. My step son and his girlfriend have brought so much into my world. They’ve turned me into a board game geek (a title I wear with absolute pride), they’ve shown me the pleasure of a winter holiday (no pre-holiday diets and you have cheese and wine every day, yes please) and we’ve made so many happy memories.

I would love to say that if I can’t be a mother then being a step mother is the next best thing but I think that’s comparing apples and pears. There is no substitution for the grief and loneliness I feel and the role I’ll never fulfill; I love my step son and all he brings to my family. These two sentiments aren’t mutually exclusive. They live together and both take up space in my busy little head.

There is love and there is loneliness and I am strong enough to feel them both together.

Photo by Nik Korba on Unsplash