Every farmer who goes out planting expects to come to a time of reaping. His effort of weeding, cultivating, watering, fertilising is aimed at reaping. It will sound weird if one says, I don’t care about the harvest, but I trust the process. Other farmers may mock him and turn him into a laughing stock. Such is the notion about having sex in a childless marriage.

The meaning of sex in a married life has always been muddied by social scripts about fruitfulness. It is further compounded by the skewed ideologies that emerge from masculinity myths. In this context, a real man should be able to make any woman that they have sex with pregnant. If they fail to do so they will be written off as a total failure. They may be swallowed in misery and consequently lose interest in having sex.

The wrong reason for finding love, the misapplication of the term “fruitful,” the insatiable desire for parenthood, and the idea about a complete marriage are issues that render sex and childlessness complicated. They paint childless women as socially disabled because of their failure to fulfil the socially constructed idea of sex in marriage.

Childless marriages may sometimes end up sexless, leaving the partners with no option but to part ways. In a study conducted in China over the period 1980–2012, childless couples had a higher risk of dissolving their marriages than those with children. Research and statistics also show the correlation of childlessness and divorce in Africa as well. A case in point is the Ghana Statistical Service (GSS). It revealed that infertility and childlessness are among the top causes of the dissolution of marriage. Another study in Northern Ghana revealed that couples with no children were denied affiliation in the ancestral world consequently both “males and females ... engaged in sex with multiple partners to prove their fertility.”

Elevating a child to be the awaited “bundle of joy” and forgetting about the wife whose discovery brought joy, not only undermines her worth but also turns her into a childbearing machine. It objectifies a woman and dehumanises her. In my opinion, my wife is the bundle of joy. Her advent into my life not only elated me but brought remarkable changes.

In thinking about this topic, my mind was drawn to the word “SEX” as a process and acronym. The following issues crossed my mind:

S: Stay Steamy. Sex does not happen during copulation. It is deeper because its satisfaction takes staying steamy for the sake of the other partner. This stretches from the talk, the language, and the adornment. When the flame is flickering off because no child is born, revive the steaminess by injecting creativity into the puzzle. Remember the magnetism that drew you to your wife. If it is no longer existing, why not work towards restoring it?

E: Externalise Expressions. I like it when Patti Davis says, “Marriage is a nice way to externalize the private commitments made between you.” The unfortunate part is that this externalisation ceases when no child is born owing to the social pressure that is brewed by the concept of an ideal family. Externalising expressions of love is an act of righteous rebellion. It gives value to those that are less esteemed by society. It says, I love you “in spite of” and not “because of.” It is deaf to social booing, blind to its dejection, stubborn to its isolation. I have learnt to publicly affirm the worth of my wife. This makes sex life more
fired up and enhances the steaminess that is need in an intimate relationship.

X: X-out Expectations. There is more to sex and intimacy than having children. The process of gluing oneself to your loved one is not to be pushed by prospects of procreation. This kills the joy of being joined to one’s spouse. The pressure that comes with timed intercourse may be a deterrent to the joy that should be obtained in sex. It may be a turn off. X’ing-out expectations will not only reduce anxiety but also

Yes, You Can Plant without Reaping

Like clouds which bring no rain
And thunder which quakes in vain,
The buds and blooms expect in pain
Travellers endure the rugged terrain
Can you plant without reaping?

Did I hear your community saying “No?”
Are they saying this is what we always know?
Reaping after a planting we can’t ignore.
They are at the crest of an erupting volcano
And a threatening wild ferocious inferno
That casts everyone into what we always know:
Every planting farmer expects reaping.

While others focus on the harvest
Your goal is different from the rest
You have learnt from the best
That some things can be put to test
And you can emerge in conquest
Having a brand-new proven taste
Yes, you can plant without reaping.

Sikhumbuzo Dube