I’m getting married the coming Saturday. After two years organising and 3 times change (of the date), it’s happening, a white wedding.

This will be my 2nd one, so be my fiancé’. I’m 55, he’s 57. He has two children, unlikely we will have any between us. His children moved out at very young ages. They have not been in touch past 7 years. Our griefs are very different, we have talked about them. They have the impact to our life, leave residue in our closeness even intimacy.

In my 1st marriage, I was young and ambitious. Just settling into the foreign life in England, my priority then was to get on the career ladder, be financially independent. My then husband went along with the idea, he already had a grown daughter, he cheered on my dedication to career. I embroiled into the competitive corporate world. I also drank too much after work. After most of my friends got into their motherhood, the desire of being a mother started nagging. Already in my 2nd half of 30s, we had tests and check-ups. I didn’t give up entirely. I thought motherhood would happen anyway, my grandma had my youngest aunt at 42, none of my family members has fertility issues.

Following my first marriage break down I had a serious relationship of six years. At 40 I met my then partner, who was going through a nasty divorce in all aspects (childcare, finance). I was unhappy with his resource committed to his only child directly and indirectly, his child took the advantage to get the most financial gains out of him. I was not a fan. It was impossible to move the relationship to the next level (as my first husband refused to divorce.) This relationship ended for good as well as with sadness.

I knew then my dream of motherhood is over, how dreadful, such a painful feeling, a failure, shameful. I became withdrawn socially. I relocated myself and changed my career, it took me a while to distract myself from my grief.

I met my fiancé 3 years ago. He had two children from his previous marriage. He rarely talked about them. After we got engaged, I was in awe to find out, his social media pages are full of reposts over posts about his children and memories. It was embarrassing to check someone close on their social media behaviour, doing this behind his back. One day, I confronted him about his social media behaviour, surprised to discover the fact he has no relationship with his children.

In his words, his children were taken away from him when very young. His previous wife, the mother of his children went for a staff of his, beggars believe a convicted paedo. Paedo probably got off the watch list since he’s married, as a family man. My fiancé spent good fifteen years of his life and considerable financial resource fighting to get full custody, it was never the case he could win.

I don’t know the full picture of this. My fiancé is a decent man, well brought up, educated, coming from a comfortable family, had a reasonable level of career success. He had an exciting life before his fatherhood, fatherhood means a huge deal to him, and happened in his mid-30s.

Children often alters the path of a relationship. I never bother to know much about his previous marriage, it can be triggering. I am too proud, I am also jealous. Some people are so easy to have children, so lucky to have them. I have thousands of thousands time to blame myself, life is so unfair, I can still be angry with myself.

I didn’t plan this life, a life with no children. My fiancé has filled his children’s picture around his house. In my eyes, they probably resemble their mother more. I have no interests in any anecdotes. He only had two holidays, handful time with the children after they moved out. I don’t think he has much more privilege of sharing another person’s growing up than myself. I don’t envy him.

Why haven’t they come forward to get in touch then? I often hear myself. He would protest, they have been brainwashed by that paedo or their mother. The latter one he opened up to acknowledge the disgust not long ago. I actually sympathised his initial reticence, hard for anyone to admit making horrible life decisions.

He has no responsible for my childlessness though, he certainly contributes my current wellbeing. I spilt out my frustration to my friends about his industrious posts on social media. I found myself confused and hurt. They understand that he probably hope them to be seen by his children. They both are adults now, I struggle to understand why they don’t want to get to know him. Whenever he posts out his virtual pleas, they are a dead turn off. It draws the emotional distance between us, I feel he does not value our relationship enough, he does not live the moment of his life. I want to avoid him altogether. I ask myself, is my time well spent (again)?

My fiancé and myself won’t have children between. Somehow I wonder which marriage he appreciates the most. For myself, it’s always the one at the moment. Do men think the same? With the limitation of women’s fertility, we are vulnerable towards ourselves, doubt our attractiveness, our influence in the relationships. Relationships are not competition, but does one feel differently to someone who has given you children, and someone who hasn’t/ won’t.

I wonder what I will/would do, if his children suddenly turn up, maybe one day. Of course, the dynamic of our relationship will change. I shall still be myself, I won’t change for anyone.

Life is fluid. My life is just as precious.

Jeannie O