Anonymous

The day I had my hysterectomy, my heart broke. My lifetimes dream of becoming a mum was taken from me as I slept under anaesthetic.

You visited me on the ward after my surgery, you watched my breakdown months later as the grief hit me, and I was left a shell of my former self.

I found Gateway Women and you sat and listened as I played you Jody Day’s TED talk about the devastation of not being able to have children.

Why then, 18 months later when you find out you are going to be a grandparent for the first time are you sending scan pictures, newborn pictures, baby video’s and asking for baby advice in a works group WhatsApp that I am in?

Not only did those messages re-fracture my heart but it made me see that all those in that group are just like you and have short memories. Their cooing messages in return to your gurgling baby videos served to distance myself just a little bit more from you all to protect myself.

I could not respond to your videos and pictures, I couldn’t see the screen for tears and my whole weekend was spent as a sobbing mess, curled up in a tight ball on the sofa while you enjoyed your family time unaware of the pain you had inflicted. 

I now also feel bad about myself for not being able to respond with my own messages of congratulations and for being the silent member of the group, but I am here, I am me and I am struggling but you can’t see me through your rose tinted grandparent glasses.

Photo by Sabri Tuzcu on Unsplash