Anonymous

You have a son! I have a nephew! And he’s wonderful. He’s a gorgeous bouncing rainbow baby that you’ve waited for, for a long time for. I am so excited to see him grow up and be part of his life as a newborn, a baby, a toddler through to teenager and everything else you and your newly created family will experience.

But…

And I hate, hate, hate that there’s already a but…

But…it seems I’m already on the sidelines. Detached and poking my head through the barriers that immediately appeared when you seamlessly stepped into the pronatalist role which forced me outside of my family circle. A move I have experienced many times in friendships now lost, but never expected from my own family. Your narrative of me, the childless, seems now to have been rebranded into the childfree which has ignited resentment and reproach from you. You couldn’t be further from the truth.

Her: “You just don’t know how it feels to be this sleep deprived”

Me: “………..[blinks]… it sounds incredibly difficult.” But I would have liked to have had the chance to know.

Her: “It’s so hard, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done – you wouldn’t understand.”

Me: “You’re doing brilliantly, we’re all so proud of you

But I’m really sad as that sentence minimises me and dismisses any experience outside of having a baby.

Her: “I don’t have to give mum anything for her birthday this year, I’ve given her everything she’s ever wanted now”

Me: “Yes, she’s so happy”.

I didn’t realise that anything I give or do has been worthless, and will always remain so.

Her: “..ok, lovely to speak to you, enjoy your lovely free evening”

Me: “Umm…ok speak soon, bye”

You didn’t even ask what my plans were before making the incorrect assumption that I live a carefree existence.

Her: “You prioritise your friends [over family]”

Me: “[attempts to defend any time spent with friends over the past month]”

At least they call me. At least they ask how I am and support me. I would be in a very dark place without my friends, especially now. Why am I defending and explaining myself again?

Her: “You put your life first, why can’t you cancel choir to come and see me”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’ll look at what I can rearrange to help you”.

Whose life would you like me to prioritise if not mine? I try to do nice activities to stop me from delving deeper into depression. I have cancelled so many personal commitments for you, but just didn’t feel I needed to tell you. I didn’t realise I’d need evidence or proof.

Her: “You’ve got a nephew now that you need to be healthy for”

Me: “[laughs nervously], yeah, we’ve got to be able to keep up with the little fella”

Did I not have a reason to live before now?

Her: “I want you to come and work in my garden soon – you like gardening don’t you”

Me: “Yeah, sounds good”

What?! When did your entitlement to my free time begin? My non-working time is not yours to have.

Her: “This is a once in a lifetime chance for me”

Me: [blinks] “I understand that, it’s been a long time for you”

Yes, I 100% fully and completely understand that and if you truly thought this, you wouldn’t be saying it to me.

You say you’ve ‘been there’, but I don’t hear this through your words. Every time you make a throw away remark it chips away at the increasing chasm between those with children and those longing to have them. Between us, sisters. Between me and my family. How long do I stay silent to protect the family that is no longer protecting me?