Meeting this world as a childless man

“Have you got any children?” or “I’m a new dad/grandfather”. I get these all the time, in pretty much all social settings I find myself in. It used to grate but as it is so ubiquitous, I just get on with it these days.  It has left me feeling, however, that there is - without doubt - a bias towards success as a man being defined by the production of at least one child. As I haven’t been able to add to the current human mountain, I am unable to reach its lofty peak and join the dad’s club of full social acceptance. This is sometimes difficult enough in its own right, but when you add in the lack of empathy I usually encounter, it reminds me of the hierarchical / generative behaviour of chimpanzees and baboons - when you are in, you’re in, and when you’re out, you are out.  It leads me to reflect that for all our supposed progress as a species, we haven’t really evolved that far yet.

Still for all the baby making going on out there, and social pinnacle achieving, in the very same settings I meet emotionally stunted, semi-adult males suffering from profound emotional wounding brought about by their father(s) being absent. I’ve concluded then, that while there is pressure to reproduce, there is little support and encouragement for what comes next. Men want to further their own image but, so often in our culture, not take on the lifetime essential responsibilities of fatherhood. We have prioritized materialism and the illusion of success over our relationships, growth and development. The outcome is plain to see in the devastation of the natural world and lack of mature, moral leadership currently available in our little corner of the globe.

I argue that masculinity should not be defined around producing children, but instead be about becoming conscious, compassionate and wise. If children are born into this, then great. If not, then we can find other ways to share these cultivated qualities for the benefit of all. There are some simple self-reflective questions it can be helpful to ask.  Even if I feel I have lost out in not reproducing, what have I gained? What benefits have I offered the Earth?

There is no point walking around feeling second best without kids in tow, rather it is much better to develop an attitude of gratitude for life itself and all the opportunities it can still offer. I am learning and experiencing different ways of being fatherly without the living expression of my wife and I’s combined genetic material. Of course the childless life can be a challenge - I have missed out on many things, and will miss out on more in the years ahead. Yet my life, this precious human life, is rich and special - now filled as it is with a different perspective and a new found happiness that has come with acceptance. I am here now, and one day I will cease to exist without having had children, and the world in its fullness continues just the same.

Frederick Maitland