I’ve dreamt of writing a book titled “What fellow professionals in the mental health field say to me when I bring up childlessness.” I’ve recently decided that perhaps this is an essay that needs to be ushered into the world sooner than later!

As workplaces and careers go, psychotherapy is vividly pronatalist.  And if you are a child therapist? Exponentially so.  Along with private practice and agency work, we are embedded within schools, medical facilities, military institutions, etc.  We can face frustrations and mistreatment at all these varied locations and at any level of experience.  My profession has made stabs at rooting out other implicit biases and cultural marginalization but the needs of people without kids remain in the shadows, both as clients and as practitioners.  What is *not* relegated to the shadows is the bias about parenting status seen throughout our workplaces, training, consultation groups, and educational institutions. On the other hand, there are glimmers of oasis-like safety, sometimes coming in unexpected moments.  Maybe that’s part of what makes being a childless therapist so hard, you can’t predict how your own identity will land for your colleagues, and what they might say about it.

So, here’s an annotated list of the amazing, the confusing, and the painful things that I’ve heard:

(These were often responses both online and in person after I disclosed that I was a childless person, wasn’t sure children could be in my future, and/or spoke about the need to enlarge our understanding of childless lived experiences. Keep in mind that I was not posing a hypothetical or distancing myself from the issue.  Some of these statements did harm in the moment and still smart a bit.  So, a trigger warning that you might need a deep breath or two.)

“Katie, living alone and without kids is, like, abnormal.  It’s unnatural.”  This person held a lot of authority, and this was during a staff meeting chit chat.  Who knows what I had offered as a personal tidbit, but this response was 1) obviously untrue, and 2) unchecked by other staff.  My response was stunned silence until someone changed the topic.

“Childfree.” This was the entirety of their reply.  Most of my online posts in therapist groups result in a discussion of terminology.  I have a lot of thoughts about this.  It’s ok to want to get identifiers right and to welcome self-identification.  Or, in this instance, to establish a pecking order and invalidate my entire statement.  My response to this was to ignore it.  If there is an actual curiosity I’m happy to have a conversation and learn something too.

“Isn’t the better term ‘childfree?’” This was an actual question!  It became a good discussion.  I think when people see childlessness mentioned in a neutral/positive way for the very first time within our profession they must wrap their heads around the concept.  This person didn’t have kids, preferred a different term, and I was happy they shared.

“Saying ‘circumstantially childless’ reinforces a narrative of trauma and victim identity.”  This one felt cruel and inaccurate, and still does.  If you are reading this, please know it’s not true.

“Therapists have no business working with parents if they don’t have kids.” This was on a website of a child therapist. I read this one while reckoning with my childlessness and while working with children and their parents.  My response was relief that I don’t live in her state and have no opportunity to run into her. I also consulted about this with my trusted peers and had a little cry.  It’s hard to see this attitude from a person with training and credentials similar to my own.

“Childless affirmative therapy is a horrible title, and it feels like being too politically correct.” This provider would do well to listen to the stories of how therapy has been very UN-affirming for many childless clients. My reaction was to invite her to a phone call because I was exhausted by back and forth Internet comments.

“This doesn’t matter, we should be supporting single parents in poverty.” When you do an anonymous survey the input you gather is frank.  This response totally invalidated and disrespected the amount of love and concern that I have for my clients who happen to be parents or are experiencing poverty or difficult socioeconomic issues.  I can do both.

“I was a better child therapist before I became a parent.”  I’ve noticed that when parent therapists engage they often offer this exact sentiment.  I find this comment very interesting- I know that they might intend it as a compliment or a moment of connection. But am I supposed to center their experience in my post about childlessness? No thanks?  I’m still puzzling over how to respond to this one, to be honest.

It’s not all bad, of course. These are some other responses and comments from therapists:

“I've never really thought about myself as childless.”

“I had never realized that my own experience is a niche. Why didn’t they teach us this?”

“That’s fantastic!”

“I had never thought about this before!”

“Me too.”

“This is a subject that should be part of all training programs.”

So how does it feel to frequently butt up against the harsh or judgemental sentiments at work and within professional communications?  Within the realm of people who are supposedly skilled with relationships and feelings?  It feels like a betrayal.

Is it a betrayal that I helped shape within my field before I knew better?  When I was freshly minted in 2000 did I also think that parents made better therapists, or that it was appropriate for me to fill in at an agency when my coworkers had to go home to a sick kid?  I cared about those sick kids because I cared about my coworkers.  I think I lucked out with my first few supervisors who created a thoughtful community and provide explicit encouragement for self-care regardless of our background or personal life. I was able to tend to my needs outside of work as well.  I didn’t encounter systemically biased policies and unwritten rules related to parent status until later and was able to see them for what they were.

When did my own validation of pronatalism start?  Why didn’t I think about my own beloved childless relatives when I was sitting in classes, learning about the trajectory of supposedly healthy adult development?  What did I think about my older classmates sitting near me, who I also knew didn’t have kids? (I probably assumed they’d finish that sentence with ‘yet.’)  If I had spoken up, would anyone have listened?

In the past, when I was an ‘intentional parent’ (or presumed by others to be) I got an earful of pronatalism without ever mentioning clinical work with childless clients.  My workplaces and roles shaped my bias about people without kids until I deconstructed it.  I’m not the coworker that sees an injustice and shrugs as if to say ‘eh, someone else’s problem...’  Perhaps to a fault?  But the clear injustices related to being childless while therapist-ing were unspoken and unrealized, at least to me.

These are my reflections about what shaped my understanding of childlessness and what I experience now as a childless person at work.  So, what can be done?

Let’s start with protecting our own sanity!  Being a change-maker in one’s workplace and field can be exhausting and demoralizing. I pick my moments for education judiciously and on days when I’m ready for fielding a negative comment.  I believe we all need to have connections with other childless people for solace and recharging.  I have also found that there are some truly stellar parent therapists out there who are cheering me on and listening with deep empathy and without defensiveness.

To promote change in the field I think we can use what we already do well- storytelling and relationship building.  The more that we share about this, the more we can start to impact our workplace cultures.  I am thrilled by the sparkle in a therapist’s eye when they hear about the need for better care for childless people. “Wow!  I had never even considered that. I need to learn more.” is pure music to my ears.

Micro-changes and micro-challenges can be meaningful steps.   If (or should I say when) you hear or see a comment about childlessness that is hurtful or harmful, tag it for the moderator and/or consider pointing out the harm.  Ask your team at work to consider a consultation with a childless therapist to start to make it a normal part of identity that we discuss regularly.  Start leaving some books/articles around about mental health and childlessness.  I’m sure there are many options out there and each will need to take into account workplace culture and safety.

I’ve worried that my submission this year could veer towards snarky or negative, and that it could scare people away from finding a therapist.  Please don’t take my tone to mean all hope is lost.  There are great providers out there!  Many of us are putting our heads together in various forums, all with the goal of providing better services to our childless community.  Change is afoot!

Katie Maynard, LICSW

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash