Alison Martin-Campbell

Part of me assumed I would one day get married and have children but there was another part of me – even from a very young age – that honestly didn’t think this would happen. When I was 7, my teacher was a wonderful woman called Miss Myra Jean Young and she was to me perfection in terms of her life. A TEACHER! SINGLE! NO KIDS! And very good at her job. She always spoke to the class as if we were her peers rather than children and although it’s been nearly 50 years since we last met, I often think of her. So I used to imagine one day I would be like her and had fantasies about driving around in a knackered yellow mini with my dog in the back generally being fabulous and having a good time without a man or children.

Fast forward to adulthood and I had my first serious relationship in my early twenties. I was ridiculously in love with this man and he really wanted children eventually but I was far too young and also had a lot of issues to deal with as I had been abused as a child. We eventually split up (my decision) as I knew I had too much to work through. 

But less than a year later, I was in another relationship which again, I thought was going to be the whole marriage and babies scenario (I was madly in love with this man too) but I chose not to notice that this was not his journey (to this day, he is anti-marriage and although has a long term partner, has not had children). When he broke up with me, I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I was in agony for over 2 years and struggled to function. I had a relationship at this time too with someone much younger than me who pursued me and I had to end that as I was by now desperate (at nearly 30) to have children. 

And then, something unexpected happened. An old and dear friend (who I had briefly dated many years earlier – I am something of a serial dater!) and I started meeting up for drinks regularly. He was in the dying throws of his marriage and we used to go out, discuss how I was going to find a husband, get very drunk and then go our separate ways. 

He set me up on dates with several men which resulted in yet more meet ups to discuss and laugh about what was wrong with me. Then one day we were talking about nothing in particular and I looked at him and realised I was in love with him. But I had to draw back: P had made it very clear from the first time I met him years earlier that he didn’t want children. 

I tried to resist him. But I couldn’t. Not only were we aligned in terms of our values, interests, politics and many other things, but we shared very similar backgrounds and views of the world. So, eventually (this took 6 years though as he had to get divorced first!), P and I married on the understanding that we wouldn’t be having children. However, not long after we married, P realised how unhappy I was and said we could start trying. So we did. And I got pregnant. And I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again. I had another miscarriage and altogether, I had 4 miscarriages and then we decided, it was too much both physically and emotionally and we stopped trying. 

I was desperately sad for many years and when menopause hit, I really did wonder what the point was, but something changed in me after I read Living The Life Unexpected by Jody Day. I found my Plan B! I set up a Menopause Support Group in my workplace. I write articles about menopause, appear at conferences and support my colleagues regarding all things menopause. And I am fine, I am REALLY fine and honestly, happy with the way my life has turned out. 

P and I have been married 21 years. We moved out of our tiny house in London to a beautiful huge house in the Kent countryside with our cats not long before Covid and Lockdown to be closer to my elderly parents. However, I have to say, if I thought not being a mother was hard, losing my parents within 3 weeks of one another was harder.  It was honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. They lived long and fulfilled lives but losing them so close together was awful. I grieve for them every day but always try and put a positive slant on my memories of them and think about the good times and am grateful for the 53 years I had with them both. 

P and I continue to be aligned in our values: When Russia invaded Ukraine, we immediately agreed we wanted to do something and given the size of our house, we decided to sponsor Ukrainian refugees. We have had a number of them live with us and currently have a teenager. We support and look after her as best we can and it feels sometimes that with looking after her, it enforces my belief that there are different ways of expressing one’s maternal instincts and supporting this young woman is one of those ways.

So that’s my story. I am also blessed to work for an amazing company – EY LLP – that has given me the opportunity to do things like set up the EY Menopause Community and also, more recently, be a member of The Steering Committee of EY’s Childfree and Childless Community. So, while life hasn’t turned out quite as I expected, I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world.

If you’d like to approach your workplace but don’t know where to start, take a look at the draft letter “Request for Inclusion of World Childless Week in our workplace calendar” created by Sam and Jody Day