Ajayem

In the beginning I knew me - I had control.

I could be who I wanted and do what I wanted.

And I did…

And then I changed, and I wanted something else, with someone else.

It started with love - so much love that I wanted to share.

Then there was hope, a promise of a dream.

Then there was adventure of a different kind,

Planning, making choices and looking forwards.

Then there was the start of heartache, the realisation that this might not happen for me.

Then I was shaken, having to embark on a journey I didn’t want to take.

Then there was desperation, have to try it all, no regret…

But at the end of that difficult road was only despair.

Then I was devastated, the epic realisation that I had no control.

Then came loss, a big, raw, empty hole and grief engulfed me.

Then I sunk down to the depths of nothing.

And when I eventually came up for air I was still hollow, the world felt dull.

Then I wondered what the point of me was, I felt broken and useless.

I walked this monochrome wasteland, going through the motions,

During this interminable hell I don’t know when or how but raw grief passed,

But the loss still hurt.

Then pain came, sometimes as an ache, sometimes stinging.

I endured and I got through it.

I gathered myself and started to see some colour again,

I began to see possibility and to feel hope.

Then I found a way to share my extra love.

It felt good, I was a natural.

I found that I could like myself again.

I gained some control, I had a purpose.

From it all came opportunity.

A different life than I’d dreamt,

But a life of contentment.

And I learnt when you’re ready you can:

Find your joy…

Find your hope…

Find your love…

Find your happy…

Find your smile…

Find your freedom…

Find your people…

Find your path…

Not despite the obstacles put in your way,

but because of them.

The loss still hurts but I am me because of it,

And I am found…again.

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash