My Situation

I’m a twin – an identical twin – I always have been, and always will be. I know that that is stating the obvious, it can be joyful, painful, funny, hard, rewarding and misunderstood by other people.

When we were born, my twin arrived first, what happened next was a very big surprise to my parents, GP and all concerned, you see they didn’t know about me, “ The other one” Everyone thought that it was one big baby, not two.

I was the other one or as my Father put it “I took your Mum into have a baby and she couldn’t even to that right we had two”

Yes, that’s been my narrative all my life – to feel unwanted, not a lovely surprise that brought extra love and care, no the one that made my Dad rush out to the shops, “As we only had one of everything, had to buy another of everything”

That set the scene for feelings of not fitting in, being the helpful one, earning my keep so to speak. As the years went on, we went down different paths, of study, life and friends

My Path

Fast forward to now, we are both 53, we have very different lives, she has children and I am Childless through circumstance, one of the big things that contributed to this was a first marriage - very violent and abusive, I survived that.

Parallel Paths

We walk very different paths, different hopes, fears, responsibilities and timetables.

It took awhile for me to start to grieve my Childlessness, how can you grieve what you haven’t had or got? That’s what I was telling myself, for the longest time I didn’t know I was even grieving! When I had what can only be described as the biggest light bulb moment when everything fell into place, the sense of not belonging, something missing, emptiness, raw pain and emotion

All the while I was witness to her life - births of children, stages of development, first day of school, the list is endless we all know what can be on that list, what might trigger us all each different but the same sense of pain that only a childless by circumstance women may understand fully.

What some people don’t see or understand is that me and my Twin share the same DNA make up – I think we may even share the same fingerprints.

We are made up of the same things – but are uniquely different in a lot of ways which is amazing.

But you see, that makes her children even closer to what my children may have been like, in looks, mannerisms, likes and wants. I look at them in wonder and awe some days, other days I can’t look at them because it’s too painful

Support

Last year, my Twins daughter started university.

My Twin – wanting support, such a big moment, big change in the family, how to navigate these changes - my niece leaving home to go off to university full of excitement and a bit of trepidation too. All natural, understandable worries and concerns

I was the one on the other end of the phone, listening, supporting, being empathetic, encouraging and helping her through this transition – As a parent.

She thanked me, she couldn’t have done it without me, I was her go to person through this.

And me?...

I was going through my own transition, a right of passage that won’t happen in my house, I haven’t got the daughter that will go to University.

I was crying tears, grief was pouring out of me after these calls, where was my support, understanding? My wonderful husband was the one that saw this side, the raw, gut wrenching side.

This year, my nephew has been caught up in the exam fiasco and his college options are all up in the air, I supported my twin through this, such a hard time for everyone.

This time, I was fully focused, gave it my full attention and support.

Something has definitely shifted for me over the last year, I’m more aware of myself, my worth, of what I have got more than what I once wanted and haven’t got. My life is full, and my twin and her children are a big part of my life, but they do not replace a missing piece for me now.

The phone calls will probably keep happening – maybe my niece or nephew will get married, maybe they will start a family, maybe my Twin will be a grandmother….

Maybe, and Maybe who knows

What I do know is that I am me…. And that’s fine I can live with being me.

……….. Before I submitted this piece, I sent a copy to my twin – wanted her to know about it and if she had any objections – this was her response.

I think it is beautiful, raw, and from the heart. Makes me feel loved, desperately sad and worried that I might badly hurt you without even knowing and of course not meaning to. The openness and honesty of our relationship now is so precious, and I hope you can let me know when things are too much. I love that you are my go-to person for support – and hope you feel the same. I know sometimes it might be too much and please tell me I know I will understand.

Thank you, our relationship special

DN x