Prior to getting married, I was pretty ambivalent about having kids and spent my entire twenties enjoying life to the brim.  Of course, there were boyfriends, but I still clung to the notion of a free-spirited butterfly who enjoyed parties, travelling and adventures of all kinds…

Then I met my husband to be and we shared the same passion for life.  We made a life plan together, full of adventures, only with a family too!  It was such an exciting dream.  He was one of four children and I also have a sister, so we were already conditioned to believe that having a family was going to be part of our life together.  We married when I was 33 and after 12 months of trying to get pregnant and failing, I knew something wasn’t quite right.  At 34 and feeling the pressure from both ourselves and the people around us to ‘get on with having kids before it’s too late’, I felt it was time for a visit to the doctor.

From that initial visit to the doctor, married life suddenly changed dramatically and we became obsessed with getting pregnant.  If only we could have held onto the dream of travel and adventures instead, but we didn’t, because we were totally consumed with baby mania.  This obsession was compounded by an ever-increasing pressure to provide grandchildren, nieces and/or nephews.  Why wasn’t it happening for us?  The stress was ramping up!

After months of intrusive tests, questioning, stepping on the IVF rollercoaster (and off again!), my doctor finally gave me the cold truth – I was having an early menopause.  I can still remember that telephone conversation with the doctor as though it was yesterday.  I remember the gut-wrenching devastation whilst trying to hold myself together on the phone.  I couldn’t stop the tears, I was distraught.

Over the next few months, the shame of not being able to provide that (planned) family, those longed for grandchildren or those nieces/nephews started to take hold of me in a way I had never experienced before.  I couldn’t even talk to my husband or parents about the shame I was feeling.  In fact, I didn’t talk to anybody.  I felt so alone.

The unspoken guilt of depriving my husband of a family, the uncomfortable conversations with friends and family, the feeling of being abnormal, all took their toll, and, debilitated and exhausted, my husband and I went our separate ways some 18 months later.

The next few years were painful, after all, the experience drained every ounce of emotion out of me.  The shame had now doubled.  I not only had to accept that I would be childless for the rest of my life but I now also had a failed marriage, which seemed to have to be explained to people at every turn!

Moving on….

Over the next 8 years, I made some gradual changes to my life; I moved house (several times), until I eventually found a home which still suits me perfectly for this current phase of my life.  I slowly started to join clubs and meet new friends, I regained my passion for cycling (which I used to love as a child), and now absolutely thrive on the adrenaline boost I get from mountain biking.  Step-by-step I started to restore some of the spirit from my earlier years.  And then, I found Gateway Women....

Wow! To actually discover that there are others who have had similar experiences and are brave enough to tell their stories has been my motivation to share my story now.  I feel like Gateway Women has given me the springboard I needed to be OK with who I am, to let go of the guilt, to find new adventures and most importantly, to find a way to laugh again.  It’s still early stages but I am discovering that the world I left behind, before I got on the baby treadmill, is still there, only bigger, with many more adventures still to be had and a whole host of interesting and exciting people to connect with. 

I am eternally grateful for good health which enables me to explore the opportunities and adventures that are out there for childless people.  I am also becoming increasingly mindful of the fact that life will end one day, but until that day comes, I am determined to make the most of the life I have.  For me, this means travelling, trying new adventures, meeting and connecting with other childless people, keeping active, eating and resting well. 

Heather xx