All I wanted to be when I grew up was to be a wife and mother.

I was a social misfit and longed to fit in. The outside world was a scary, mysterious place and the homeschooling and evangelical Christian communities I grew up in told me that my ultimate calling as a woman was to be a wife and mother and that it was a sin for a woman to work outside the home.

Spouses and parents were celebrated.

Singles and childless adults were not.

Never mind that both sides of my family tree have members of both genders who were childless, single, or both. I wasn’t going to be that way. Iwas going to get and stay married and have lots of kids.

Marriage and children didn’t happen. I discovered the major cause of my being a social misfit, something I determined I would not use as a crutch and continue to fight to overcome. The careers I half -heartedly planned as a backup didn’t happen. Finally at the age of 27 I asked God to either give me a husband soon or make me content to be single.

God gave me peace about my singleness and showed me that as a single, childless woman I was just as valuable to Him as a married woman with children.

He did more than I asked.

10 years ago-a year after my prayer for a husband or contentment to be single-God set me free from the patriarchal teachings I grew up with. He also set me free from organized religion and made it crystal clear what He had shown me before through events and teachings of my past: that participation in organized religion is not necessary in order to serve and become close to Him.

At the same time, I decided not to attempt online dating for several reasons. I trusted that if marriage was God’s plan for me, He would work it out.

Ten years later at the age of 38, still single with rapidly graying hair, I am facing the painful reality that I will never be a mother.There are days when it is unspeakably painful, days when I feel like flinging myself flat on the floor before God in awe of something he has just done or revealed to me, days when I experience both and days when I feel like I am on placid waters.

Each day I am learning to rely more on God and am comforted by the refrain of the lovely song I have sometimes sung at the top of my tear soaked voice:

“It will be worth it all when we see Jesus,

Life’s trials will seem so small when we see Christ;

One glimpse of His dear face all sorrow will erase,

So bravely run the race till we see Christ.”

“When We See Christ” by Esther Kerr Rusthoi

Great Hymns of the FaithSingsperation Inc 1968

Katia