It’s a forever journey, it just goes on, but slowly and steadily it falls into place, connections made through trauma can become healing and incredible. New opportunities present themselves unexpectedly and called to be grabbed.  

As I reflect on my childlessness and the toll it took on my body, mind and being, I can only now fully appreciate the strength and resilience it is taken to get me to where I am now (11 years after nearly dying from a ruptured carnival ectopic pregnancy on the third of four rounds of IVF).  

Without going into any detail, you can fill those in yourselves and I know you will all empathise whatever your situation, as only those who are childless can, I have been through the wringer. However in the years since I never had a plan, but feel I have been guided by my inner wisdom in the choices I have made. After our fourth and final round of IVF my husband and I decided that it would be our last as we couldn’t continue to put ourselves through the emotional, physical, mental and financial strain any longer and knew for us that we needed to have an endpoint. Only you can decide when that is for you but to us it felt right.  

I was incredibly lucky at that time in my life to have an amazing, supportive and empathetic boss (I was a Police Inspector at the time with a male Chief Inspector) who encouraged me to apply for a newly established role within the organisation and with his coaching and guidance I was successful. So began the final chapter of my working life supporting families in need which I think helped me enormously with my healing and recovery. I did this for 7 years until my retirement in 2020.  

Little did I know there were still health issues to come and without going into detail (I still live with them today) my path then crossed with others who have influenced what I am happily studying now. I do firmly believe that people come into your life for a reason and my acupuncturist introduced me to cranio sacral therapy (CST) which I am now practising and working towards qualifying as a cranio sacral therapist.  

After retiring from the Police force and concurrent with training in CST, I trained as a cricket umpire and again by a chance encounter I’m now umpiring local junior cricket which as well as being great fun has given me a chance to be a role model for the young girls in the team. I also replied to an advert for a match day reporter for a women’s football team which I was successful in and again absolutely love as it was always my dream growing up to be a football commentator but that was 40 years ago when women didn’t have that opportunity but better late than never!  

I could go on, as I do feel I have truly moved forwards in none of the ways I imagined I would but I suppose what I’m trying to articulate is that it’s important to be open to opportunities, to try and put yourself out there and trust in your inner wisdom. I know that I have found some joy and know that there is always joy to be found somewhere. I know that the grief I hold within me will always be there but I know I can live with it and while I wish none of us in our situations had to live with our grief, I do strongly believe that the empathy we have as a result as individuals is powerful and is something that we can use to help others and while you may have to look hard to find it there is always joy.  

I wish you all only good things as you move forwards.    

Susan Taylor