A few weeks ago a situation arose out of the blue that left me feeling anxious. Each morning I felt my stomach roll over as I never knew what the day would bring. More often than not the day passed without incident but I still found it hard to sleep at night as my mind battled with thoughts of what if’s. Anxiety and insomnia are definitely the best of friends.
Whilst most days did pass without incident there were moments when I could feel the pressure build and emotions would rise without any control. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we had an internal brake pad or switch to just turn things off or lower the volume? My issue was online so I could stay away from social media. It was that simple.
Actually who am I kidding, I have to hold my hand up and say “My name is Steph and I’m a social media addict”. It’s true! I am sure the addiction is as bad or possibly worse than smoking so I did a quick Google (as you do) and straight away came across this link:
Its official “I’m doomed” as Private Frazer would say in Dad’s Army. I had just started working on building up my social media for World Childless Week so the last thing I felt I could do was turn off my electronic devices and walk away. So I carried on.
This meant there were days when I was faced with triggers and reminders of the initial upset. The anxiety kept building. I wasn’t helping myself or helping to resolve the problem. It’s stupid how one simple thing can build up and become uncontrollable but that's how it felt. Conversing through a keyboard can be tricky at the best of times.
I’d say one thing and they’d say another. I am sure the lines between who was right and who was wrong were blurred and crossed over several times. In the heat of an argument the smallest of things can become intensified. I felt both emotionally and physically drained.
Nearly four weeks of being stuck in a rut. A month of my life wasted by focusing on negativity, what was I doing? Things needed to change but I didn’t know how they would until last night. We haven’t been in contact. I haven’t decided to pull the plug on social media. The situation has not been resolved. I didn’t have a sudden need to find a cave and become a hermit.
I was reminded that I do have the power to take control of my life; I decided that it was time to forgive. To forgive them for the pain they had caused me and to forgive myself for any pain I may have caused them in return. Sounds simple and in a way it is. Last night I felt fully relaxed and I slept so well. I have awoken feeling fresh and stronger than I have since this started.
I’m not saying that forgiveness is always easy. I’m not sure that forgiveness is always possible. There have been times throughout my life when I’ve needed to forgive and I think I’m pretty good at it in general. I will still have to keep working at it and allow any residual anger to be released. I just need to keep a hold of the reins if anything starts to feel like a trigger. Deal with it and let it go.
I’m not saying that I forget so easily but I can forgive.
Founder of World Childless Week