I am 47, married and childless. After I got married we started trying for children straight away at the age of 29, but I was hospitalised on my return from our honeymoon. I later found out I had severe endometriosis which resulted in three laparotomies (open abdominal surgery), three rounds of IVF and one miscarriage. The only long term medication for suppressing endometriosis is the contraceptive pill taken continuously. I could not stop taking it to try to get pregnant, as this would have resulted in a vicious circle of surgery, which was getting increasingly complex and risky as told to us by my surgeon. I was in a world of emotional pain. All my friends were having children, and I felt totally isolated and alone. I would have pursued adoption, but my husband didn’t want to. So, in 2009 at the age of 37, I had no choice but to reluctantly give up my efforts to have children.
This was a huge blow to me, but after 7 years I was also relieved that I could regain some certainty in my life, and that I didn’t have to have any more medical interventions and the frankly hellish cycle of hope, waiting, and disappointment that accompanied them. I took anti-depressants for nine months and a series of counselling sessions. These made a huge difference and helped me feel better, at least for a time.
I first met Jody in 2011, she had recently founded Gateway Women (GW) and there was a meetup in London. Through that meetup I met another woman who has since become a lifelong friend. A few years later I also made another childless friend through Meetup.com. Both of these friendships were a really important support for me. For another 6 years, I followed GW events from afar, going to the occasional talk by Jody. I thought I had largely got over the pain of being childless, although my biggest issue was isolation. My friends were geographically disparate and busy with their children, and I had no other close local friends despite joining clubs. Everyone I met in my local area seemed to have children and as I worked full time and commuted to London, there were either logistical barriers or we had nothing in common. I was lonely and often felt hopeless, particularly at the weekends.
In early 2016, I began to feel very depressed and developed quite bad anxiety. I slowly realised that I had not properly dealt with my emotions, I had sub-consciously suppressed them, and grief was now manifesting as depression.
I had been aware for some time that Jody was running a series of therapeutic weekends called Reignite, for childless women. At that time, they were the only courses of their type in the UK and as far as I know, in the world. I booked myself onto one and there began my journey of rehabilitation. The Reignite weekend was challenging as it forced me to deal with my feelings. But afterwards I felt a great weight lifted off me, I no longer felt depressed. Instead I felt hopeful that I might be able to live life more happily. Jody was living proof that I could be happy and childless.
Through her, I also realised that connecting with other childless women and giving and receiving support was going to be the key to my recovery. So I became an official organiser for a local GW meetup group and in doing so, I met up with more local childless women who have since become friends and who I still meet regularly.
In January 2017 I enrolled on Jody’s Plan B Mentorship course. A twelve month course which goes into more depth and tackles one key topic, one day per month. There were times I had to drag myself in kicking and screaming (inside!) after a tiring week at work and face extremely uncomfortable emotions around my grief. Jody was always compassionate, insightful and generous in spirit while at the same time being professional. She lent us relevant books from her own library every month. I feel extremely fortunate that I was able to go on this course, when so many childless women around the world do not have anything like this.
Without Gateway Women, I don’t know where I would be right now, but I think my mental wellbeing would be in question. It has helped me to overcome depression, anxiety, social isolation, and a poor self-image from the unspoken societal shame of being childless. I still have sad moments, but I’m better able to accept them and let them pass through.
Jody’s Gateway Women organisation, the global Meetup.com group, her therapeutic courses (both online and in person) are without parallel, although thankfully others are now joining in the cause. Her work is continuing at a global level, she is training others to run her courses and is engaging in far-reaching campaigns, events and raising awareness through mainstream publicity.
She has overcome significant challenges to achieve these things, I believe she has carried on going because this is a cause she believes in passionately. Amazingly, at the same time, Jody has accomplished all this while on her own grieving journey. Given the stigma and taboo around childlessness in our pro-natalist society – the compassion, strength and bravery she has shown is astonishing.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you Jody Day.
A member of Jody Day's Plan B Mentorship Programme 2017