Catherine Spieß

Yes – I am Worthy

I am starting to tell others and myself that I live an alternative life. I am denied what I really want/ I should not have to feel bad for trying to live a happy alternative life / if need be : tell others -- Stop bringing me down -- I am trying to live a happy alternative life. Remember that I planned another life that was not possible. I therefore had to find and am now living an alternative life. Try to enjoy every moment now that I am healing & learning to treat myself well, so that I am prepared to be ready enough when I hopefully move forward after 9 major operations.

Just trying to be there for myself & support myself - I am using the online community sites more; also tracking certain issues to hopefully improve my self-worth. Yes – I  fear loneliness & family belonging is still unclear - This will be an ongoing process that will need lots of patience. Right now I am just trying not to allowing others to hurt me or getting myself hurt.

In a world that is constantly trying to make me something different, the greatest achievement is being myself. The most successful people are the ones who are authentic. They don't play roles, they know their strengths and weaknesses & have no problem being vulnerable & taking responsibility for their mistakes.

With that said – I am truly trying to learn from this: I am a Canadian, married and living in a foreign country. I stay true to myself, Canadian values and integrate to a point in Germany that I can feel proud yet still remain my true self. This mix could be seen from Germans as not integrating enough and therefore a weakness. For me it is a strength. I remain culturally independent and proud). I need to try to resist the judgment of others and not fear it. Instead, I need to use the chance to intelligently speak up when it happens - make others aware that their comment is quite narrow minded and of course I will never be 100% German and do not have to be. Please therefore stop with comments like "you live in Germany, accept it finally to do it our way" I answerer -- why? This is the same mentality I will have when people challenge me about my worth as a childless-not-by choice woman.

Saying things or agreeing with other people just to please them could be a sign of low self-esteem. (I do not need to do it the German way... I am not German, I integrate myself well and still stay true to my Canadian as well as my international culturally learned values -- why do I need to change this? Why should you expect me to change this?) If Germans are trying to change me to be more German, it is no wonder that they are not open enough to stop discriminating against Childless- not-by choice people.

My aim in the future is to be able to not say things just to please others and instead to say what I need to say in a way to makes it easier for all to remain friendly, open and polite to each other -- either others like this or not-- I see this as a strength and people respect and admire me for this -- staying true to myself. So to say, my opinion is just as important as the others. – I AM WORTHY-

Next time I feel tempted to agree with someone just to please them, don't! No good comes from being dishonest with me and betraying my values and ideas. Others will be able to handle it. And if not, I probably wouldn't have gotten very far with them anyway. So I need to try to not be afraid to speak my truth. Don't let the world tell me who I should be, don't put a mask on me because I want to please everyone else.