Hindy Begun Pearson

As I write these words, tears are falling. Is this something I truly believe in my soul, or am I just convincing myself they’re true? After all, could I actually be worthy while failing to have children? Isn’t that the whole purpose of life? The entire purpose of our being?

I’m sure the Jewish faith is not the only one centred around the importance of family, of children and grandchildren, but it is the one I’m a part of. Every holiday gathering around the table for beautiful meals and connection. Conversations revolving around the kids. Without children it’s easy to feel like you don’t belong, like an outsider, someone pathetic and unworthy.

This is how I have felt most of my life.

Once I discovered Lighthouse Women, I learned there were other women like me who were childless by circumstance. I learned I had been feeling grief, yet wasn’t aware it was actually a “thing” to grieve. I now see the irony of someone as self-aware as I am (at least I thought I was), having no idea you could grieve this path to childlessness.

An interesting thing happened recently. After reading so many stories from women in the group who feel invisible, unworthy and like they don’t belong, the warrior in me has bubbled to the surface. All these incredible women feeling “less than” because they don’t have kids, and too much of society unaware of us or would rather not see us. It breaks my heart. Well, I decided it’s time to change that.

I recently created social media posts for women to share. It’s an easy way to start raising awareness about us, without anyone having to share their personal story if they don’t choose to. I’ve written these words for public viewing, a step into vulnerability I never expected to take, yet here I am!

I think about what a compassionate person I am. How injustice angers and frustrates me, and can’t keep me silent. Through the years I’ve often said how blessed I am to have that level of compassion.

I love animals more than I have the words to convey. Knowing the suffering they experience at the hands of humans breaks my heart, yet fuels my soul. I learned of an incredible woman in Thailand saving dogs and cats, and I donate to help.

I have volunteered in animal shelters, to show some love and kindness to those that may have never known any.

I foster and adopt old dogs heartlessly dumped and horrifically abused, because saving an old dog’s life brings me joy.

Many years ago I lived in Jerusalem, and saw cats everywhere. I had sick kittens show up outside, and a mother cat with kittens on my doorstep. At the time I knew it was upsetting, but didn’t realise it was a problem that could be fixed...no pun intended!

One day on my way home from work I saw a tiny kitten (smaller than a washcloth) in an open garbage bag. I picked her up, took her to the vet, named her Calypso, took her back home to Canada with me, moved her to England and shared my life with her for 17 years.

My husband had been to Israel long before we met, and spoke often of wanting to go back. I refused because my heart couldn’t handle the sadness of seeing so many homeless and often sick animals, and not knowing what to do about it.  After many years I finally agreed, on the condition I do something to help that involved more than just walking around the country with a bag of food in my knapsack.

I did a lot of research, spoke to many people to see what I could do and in 2019 we went, and then again in 2020. Long story short, I started a program called Vets for JSPCA Israel. I teamed up with the Jerusalem Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, and I recruit volunteer vets to spay and neuter the feral cats in Jerusalem at their clinic.

From our first vet’s arrival in July 2022 (the project was delayed due to covid), until the end of 2023 we will have welcomed 14 vets or more! It’s impossible to calculate how many tens of thousands of kittens will not be born into a life of suffering as a result. I’m planning on making 2024 even better!

To say I’m proud of this project is an understatement. I cry when I see pictures, and am grateful for what drives me. The other day my husband said to me, “the next time you feel down, remember everything you’re accomplishing.”

When I was younger I wanted to work with abused women and children, but never did. Unrealised potential would be a whole other article!! I recently decided to look for volunteer work in that area, and I have now been accepted. I’ve also decided to study for a degree in counselling so I can work in this field. I’m 61 (a number I have a hard time saying never mind writing), but according to an admissions officer I spoke with, I’m far from being the oldest. It’s never too late to do something good.

As I re-read this article, I feel good about the person I am and what I set out to do in this world. Do I feel worthy? I’m working on it. Sometimes I do in between the other feelings, but being part of a community of incredible women with shared experiences is helping.

What do you think after reading this? Am I worthy?