Leah

Being Childless, very much not by choice is a difficult situation to navigate. It can leave you feeling drained and without a sense of purpose. I lost me, I lost my sense of self. Without knowing who I was, how could I move forward and heal? I didn’t know what I stood for and I didn’t trust myself anymore, this was strange as I had never thought to questioned it. The panic and anxiety set in deep, who am I without children and the life I wanted/expected to have?

Without a purpose and sense of identity, I felt I didn’t have much of a place in the world and I didn’t fit into the groups around me, whether that was friendship or work groups, I felt isolated and lonely. I believed personal worth was measured on what contribution you brought to the table and because I wasn’t a mother and my husband wasn’t a father that worth was put into question by myself, and at times by others around us.

Attending therapy was incredibly useful as it helped to find a new way of thinking and a new way of seeing myself. I finally saw I had changed and that was ok I was a newer, shinier version of me. Any situation has the power to change us whether we want it to or not, but if we recognise it, accept it, and not fight the change, we can grow beyond our wildest dreams!

I went on an amazing journey of finding myself again, my old ways, habits and values were still there, but upgraded! I was more mature and wiser. I was more sceptical of the world around me, but I felt my eyes were open. I felt more compassion towards myself and was able to feel much more empathy towards those around me. I listened to the compliments and critics as they helped shape a new view of myself.

In finding myself, I found others, developed amazing friendships and my marriage strengthened deeply, which gave me the strength to be open and honest about our infertility journey. This enabled me to not fear the road ahead and to be able to help others experiencing their own CNBC journey. Don’t get me wrong, I still question my worth sometimes, I still can find myself feeling like an imposter in this world.

Sometimes I feel I must prove my worth to people around me a little too much and I need to shout from the roof tops ‘I am here, listen to me!’ It can leave me feeling so exhausted and like I am in some sort of competition, but I now know who I am and what my limits are. If I need a moment for self-care, I allow myself it because I deserve it! Just because I don’t have children, it doesn’t make me less of a human.

I am SO very worthy of being here and so are you!

Photo by Birger Strahl on Unsplash