My intention, some years ago, with my art, was timid. Apologetic. I'd like to tell you that I now make statements, but this is the first time I've shared anything so personal in a public space.  

An intention can feel daunting. Small, mindful moments may gets us on the path. That's a reflection of us all, perhaps? This bag of grief that we carry and learning that it can be heavy at times, lighter on other days and when to ask for help in carrying it.

I’m in no doubt that Fertility Fest, World Childless Week and Full Stop have helped me to know that bag of grief is part of me now, I write this on the same day that Michael, Sarah and I have chatted to Jessica Hepburn, also a WCW Ambassador for Episode 43 which is due to be released for World Childless Week. She spoke about struggling well and the adventures in her life that make up who she is now. There was a lot to take from this as I find myself seeking new explorations beyond the Full Stop and childlessness, yet all come from a journey that I don’t regret taking.

It’s a long process of learning to invest a little in myself. Like treating myself to a new sketch book, it’s also good to eat well, exercise and be authentically me with no apology for my ethics or alliances. That’s the idea anyway; like you nothing about my life is polished.

My creative story is long. I trained in fine art, studied life drawing, and took a City and Guilds in stained glass. I had a couple of spaces in exhibitions. I have always been creative in the sense of seeing colours and form. I have three Blue Peter badges, and the only thing I wanted to do was paint as a child. After IVF, I built on my career as a designer and took a Master's degree in Graphic Design and Typography. I had a proper certificate in something I'm proud of, but I forgot to ask why had I given up messy art?

I have a theory.

None of my artist creation is tidy. Relief printing spreads ink, sanding debris and shreds of lino around the art shed. Glass work is toxic and dirty with cement and horseshoe nails. I had to move into the house from my shed during the heatwaves as my mediums kept drying too fast. It took hours to clean up when I moved back.

Design is neat, and it's often digital-based or hand drawn. There is an arrival process for my clients that is well-perfected and backed up with oodles of experience from me. I know this vocation well, and I can never see myself retiring from it, I love the science and the originality. There's nothing like the thrill of the book in print, the moment a logo works (if you've seen Bindi Shah's new brand - that's me, and I adore it as much as she does) and supporting a client with their website. 

The goal with design is not to create my design or even my client's design but to place myself in the shoes of the website user, client, or book reader. Design explains a story, navigates, and directs in such a way it's almost invisible. 

Art throws that under the bus! Abstract art is not about getting my intended reaction from the viewer. The viewer will create their own story based on what they see. I might want you to look at this area and understand my intention was … well, I won't tell you! And you may well see something different. I've learned from art history and art movements that no one view is the same. Why should it be? 

My theory is that grief messy. And our lives are a little nonconformist in a society that likes regular life lines.

That's why there's no storytelling video with this post. Instead, I invite you to explore the textures, colours and patterns so that you may see your meaning in them. I've love to know what you think.

And yes, I've had a heap of opposing voices, a few moments of grief, and lots of fun making a mess. Isn't that true as we move back and forth in this unexpected space? There's something to take from this brazen inner artist. If you authentically show what you feel, people will get what they want from those interactions. That might not be what you expect and not always negatively.

How I work

I work on different surfaces including paper, canvas and wood with acrylics, graphite watercolours, collage, and oils using vegan gesso on paper, canvas and wooden boards. I frequently tear up, sand over, and repaint, use masking fluid as paint and adding charcoal, pastel, and structure medium. I own paint brushes but find that I like to apply paint with cloth, calligraphy pens, silicon spatulas, wire wool, twigs, or my hands. I have left the house several times lately with paint in my hair.

Berenice Smith