You Only Live Once

You Only Live Once

My name is Crystal. I am almost 39 years old. I am separated after a 13-year relationship. I live in New Zealand.

My story begins like many others always wanting to be a mom from a very young age. In fact, I had all my children’s names picked out and murals I wanted for their walls by the ages of 12-15 with no guy in sight, even though I wanted to get married, I never dreamed of it.  

I met my ex at the age of 24 in my last semester at Bible college where I was studying children's ministry. I had been born and raised in Canada and just assumed I would stay close to my single mom and older brother for the rest of my life and perhaps marry and have children.  

My roommate was getting married and asked me to be a candle lighter. She was marrying a New Zealander. Anyways, craziness of 5 days unravelled and I found myself for the first time ever feeling complete overwhelmed and attached to the brother of my friend who was a groomsmen; so much so after sharing a excruciating hug with these emotions we decided fate brought us together. I finished schooling. He would never move to Canada so off I went for a year to work in New Zealand as a early childhood teacher.

Flash forward two years and we were married in Canada and I moved to New Zealand shortly after. I gained citizenship in 2008 and started ECE studies gaining a 3 year degree. I wanted to start a family right away, but he was not ready so things got put on hold. By mid 2009 I decided I really wanted a baby to show my uncle who was visiting to meet in 2010, so we tried.  

I always had a weird feeling that I wouldn't either have children or it would be hard, so after a year we got tested and my worst fears came alive. After testing I was told there was nothing wrong with me but he had low sperm numbers and quality was shocking, ICSI was our only option. Now he felt like I wanted a child so much we almost split but I told him I married him for him other reasons.

Flash forward another three and a half years and completion of two ICSI cycles made 19 eggs first time and 3 eggs fertilized but we had no success. The second cycle, we had less drugs and I had 21 eggs but suffered with high estrogen and I coasted a few days. Again we had 3 fertilized and again no success. I did uterus lining scrape and some scan where they looked inside with blue dye but there was nothing was wrong with me.

We were beyond devastated. Me it seems more than him, he did not deal. We decided to adopt or do a home for life. In 2015 we put in profiles, got a few bites but nothing. It’s not easy in New Zealand and very strict.

After I went home for visit in 2017, I decided enough is enough. Let’s give up, it’s ruining our lives putting them on hold for a child.  We can be okay and we will travel. I was coming to terms with that and it looked great. Then in October 2017, he gave me a curve ball that ended up me walking out and him trying to move on to someone with three kids and married, saying he was unhappy for three or four years.

I am now 38 about to reach a two-year separation mark, no boyfriend and looks like still no kids. I work in ECE so it’s a struggle to balance life, as I want so badly to be a mother. I am coming to terms with being childless again, not being a grandparent, not having anyone to take care of me later, on missing out on ‘firsts’ - all for a guy who didn’t have the decent to tell me so I could get out sooner.

I am heartbroken and devastated, but with the help of some counselling, great support systems, lovely nieces and nephews and goals for future I am getting my life back. It’s a very hard road, but once again I am trying to focus on what I do have and not what I don’t, so I can move forward and just let life happen one day at a time.

My best advice is to go on trips, empower yourself, be kind to yourself and pamper yourself, you only live once.

Crystal