Childless Teacher

3.6.21 I'm angry all the time. I'm angry at the smallest things. A friend thought something my sister posted on Instagram about my niece's poo was 'disturbing' and I want to say to her 'get over it, stop being so stuck up and fancy and see the f***ing joke'.

I'm angry at people even when I don't know their reaction. My husband said his sister invited us to a birthday party for our nephew and my husband got upset and said he doesn't want to be around lots of kids and parents. And I told him his sister would understand but on the inside I'm angry at her for thinking we were being selfish when she might not even be thinking that.

I was so angry at myself yesterday at the gym because I couldn't do a f***ing sit up and I was so close to screaming and crying!!! I’m angry because I'm hot. But mostly because it feels easier than finding something to be happy about.

12.2.23 I'm still angry, nearly 2 years later and I still have days filled with anger and anxiety. My heart has been racing every day. The only thing that soothes me is my dog laying with me on the sofa.

I'm more convinced now this is all from the infertility stuff. I'm so angry about people having kids when they aren't ready or in the right place in their lives or how they're bringing them up. Desperately, or stupidly, trying to convince myself I'd do a better job. I've had a bad day of it today but I know it's always there. I jump at the chance to be defensive or argumentative, with my husband especially. I get so aggressively passionate when I talk about the way people raise children and how kids are these days. My job as a teacher doesn't help, knowing there are kids with lazy parents, parents who don't give them enough attention, or too much, parents who don't do things the way that I would. It's not at all that I think I'd be the perfect parent, I'm scared every day that if we ever have kids I'd be a terrible parent filled with stress and anxiety every day but I still want it, more than anything.

The thing that makes me most angry is that deep down I'm so utterly shit scared of losing my husband. I never ever want to think of life without him and I'm scared how I feel about all this will affect us sooner or later but I don't know how to stop it. I've just stopped telling him how I really feel because it would break my heart for us to realise together that we feel differently about the whole thing. I don't think he can or will ever understand why I can't just let go and be happy with a childless life, I suppose that's no surprise if I can't understand it myself.

24.6.24 I'm not angry anymore. I'm sad sometimes but mostly, I hate to admit that I'm relieved. I see and hear from the parents at school or friends and family, how hard it is with kids nowadays. Social media and screens in generally are ruining childhood for so many kids. I love to come home to my dog and doing what I want. I've joined a gym and love it. I can sleep when I want and do what I want, when I want.

My husband and I spoke a couple of months ago and he said he didn't want kids anymore and I agreed so I've gone back on the pill so I can stop wondering if 'this month is the month'. It has taken such a weight off. It's been 6 years since the beginning of this journey and I'm ready to properly live my life again. 

I'll be honest, when I forget my pill I wouldn't mind accidently getting pregnant but I realised I'm more sad about never getting to have the feeling of growing a human being inside me (and maybe the baby shower too) but really, the thought of bringing up a child in this world today terrifies me and to cope with our decision I guess I've talked myself into being glad I don't have kids. Well, whatever gets us through another day, another period, right?