Catherine Spieß

Dear God,

I am writing this letter to kindly ask for your forgiveness.

I have finally realized after more than 20 years that I am not to blame for my Ex-husband abandoning me in marriage, that he did not show the needed understanding for me to be able to have a career here in Germany, since we both decided to stay here instead of moving to Canada as originally planned. A big issue I would like to confess is that I said out of disappointment caused by him more than once that I do not want a child. Ever since that day I think that I have been punished.

When I was comforted with the scattered hope of a child due to an operative miscarriage and then afterward undiagnosed infertility that actually lead year later to my organs having to be removed, I was repeatedly catapulted into grief from one second to the next. I immerse myself in an unknown territory with tremendous, previously strange feelings. The journey through this was and still is a long journey. On this journey I have to know that I am caught in the frame of reference of my social network.

God, I don't understand the ways; that I am led; I am numb and sad; and can't fight back my tears // I am constantly being told to accept; what is unacceptable to me; I have to give up; what I want to hold on to; I am told that I have to accept the unchangeable.

God of love; let me find help; let me find people who will accompany me on my way; let me find a destination again; against which I can direct my steps; Let me find and be myself again; and to find you; for I feel that I have lost you.

Father Mother God - wrap me with your understanding and your grace, hold me, comfort me, let me know that one day I will be able to laugh again - out of a joy that is as deep as my grief is now. It feels like I can endure, but I'm not sure I can live with such pain. Touch me tenderly and give me comfort. Give me peace and comfort.

God, in the past I have experienced you as a God of love and care for your people. Now I feel abandoned by you - left alone in this tragic life of never being able to have a living child and my heart is broken. I ask "why" and can't find an answer to my questions.

Sometimes I feel so empty that I wonder if I can ever feel again - if I can ever overcome my broken feelings. A child is apparently a world seen natural, automatic gift of god. Yet, this is not possible for me and sadly makes me question my beliefs and my understanding of love as well as family. Please show me ways to find new strength. Bring comfort and peace back to my mind. Give me memories and hopes to hold on to. Be with me God, because I can't do it alone. I need your comfort and support now more than ever in my life.

Amen.