Kathy S Perry

My journey is too long for me to share all of it right now, but I want to make a submission for World Childless Week. Tomorrow I am having surgery to remove my ovaries.

In September 2023 I had a full hysterectomy (leaving my ovaries intact) during which they had to remove a huge fibroid and endometritis in several areas before doing the hysterectomy.

I've had PCOS since my early 20's and painful cycles before that diagnosis. I got married on my 24th birthday 3-04-2000 and have been happily married for 24 years except for not having any children which I very much wanted. My husband on the other hand could take it or leave it, having kids wasn't a big deal for him and basically if it happened it happened.

I endured the painful cycles and everything that came with it because I knew it meant there was still hope of having a child even if it was a small chance. Several years ago, I began having pain in my lower left abdomen that sent me to the ER twice, but they kept saying it was my PCOS. I finally followed up with my primary and GI doctors and after a few visits for imaging they found a very large fibroid pushing against my bladder and colon.

Skip ahead from March to August 2023 when I told my ob-gyn specialist at JCRM that I wanted to switch from fibroid removal to a full hysterectomy and I finally got a surgery date scheduled (9-08-2023).

In January during a post-op appointment, I told my doctor about the pain coming back in mid-December and I had another ultrasound done where she found hemorrhagic ovarian cysts on both sides, the larger being on the left side where my pain was. At my follow up for that visit, I requested to have my ovaries removed because I don’t want to keep having recurrences (she told me that they would reabsorb on their own, which they did) and it would take away the chance of ovarian cancer.

On the day that the doctor’s office called me, and we set the surgery date (8-23-2024, my husband’s birthday), I was excited until the emotions of it hit me. I have been trying to process the grief of this loss and decided that I wouldn’t be celebrating Mother’s Day this year. I let my mom know how I felt and that I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I just can’t handle it this year.

As the surgery date has gotten closer, I have had a mix of emotions and nerves, knowing that the very last part of me that could produce a biological child for us, will be removed and that last tiny piece of hope for that dream will come to an end. I will immediately be pushed into the next chapter of womanhood, menopause, that comes with a whole bunch of emotions of its own.

Years ago, I felt that I was promised by God that I would have at least one child of my own but last year as my first surgery approached and I was trying to process the mix of emotions, I found a piece of cardboard from a shipping box. I tore a piece of it and drew a blue heart with the words “Just One” inside, on the outside on the bottom right of it I wrote the words “Now None” with a heart for the O and “Now” connected top to bottom of “None” by the heart. I hid this piece of artwork because I was ashamed, sensitive and my emotions were fresh and raw. I didn’t want my husband to see it or anyone else. This will be the very first time anyone sees it or knows of it.