Teen

Its been asked of me to learn how to live happy without children. Some people don’t understand why childlessness affects me so much & why I let it bother me. ‘Why can’t you just learn to not want children?’ I was asked. Some people have never wanted children and live happily. Someone told me that her relative never wanted children & lives happily in her 40’s. I questioned this and aimed to prove her wrong as I could feel a connection with this woman; like a childless radar once we join the community. I had a conversation with this lady & discovered that she had ‘left it late’ & when she did try to have children she had fertility trouble.

Not only do I have grief associated with miscarriages & fertility but there is grief related to the loss of my inner self & the dreams I had as a child. I often feel that my true emotions cannot be expressed as they may upset or offend others. Why not me? Why shouldn’t I be childless? Why do I consider myself so deserving? A close friend named her new son the same name as my son who died. I was heartbroken and also questioned for why it matters. The names are one of the only real items of my child that I am left with. Say the name but please don’t take the name.

I replay my life like a story. I have always been maternal and caring. I think I have always wanted children before I considered loving emotions towards another. I remember admiring new relationships between relatives & my favourite game at pre-school was mummies & daddies. I was attracted to the romantic storylines in the soaps on tv, reenacting them afterwards with my barbie dolls. My first daughter was called Jessica and was my dolly. My family would regularly remind me of my favourite toy that she said I always carried with me. This desire to have children is ingrained within me. 

One day when walking home from infant school, I stopped to move a snail from the path to prevent it being squashed once imagining that I would name my future daughter either Olivia or Jessica. When I asked about babies at a young age, I was told they were selected from a box at church after marriage. This gives a child the expectation that creating a family is straightforward and is a selection process that we are in control of. I had traditional views as a teenager and despite falling in love early I thought I would please my parents by marrying before planning children. Internally I was already planning for children, but I was counting down the calendar, protecting ourselves until marriage. I felt completely in control of my exciting future. Friends would have children before marriage and warn me not to do this. Be sensible and get married first. Another friend was pregnant in her wedding dress, she warned me to control my fertility until after marriage to not follow in her mistake. I felt in control of my life & on the right path to creating a happy family. These friends have since had multiple children and married too.

____ and _____ sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love

Then comes marriage

Then comes baby in a baby carriage

I remember this tune being sang a lot in the infant school playground. If anyone was holding hands this was sang to them. There were frequent weddings with daisies being thrown as confetti and someone would act as a baby and be presented to the newly married couple.

When older I went to my friend’s house with some close friends and we slept in a tent in her garden. We laid in our sleeping bags and discussed who we thought would marry first and have babies first. Secretly I hoped it would be me. I would imagine how I might feel when ready to have children, as people would say ‘you will know when you’re ready’.

I married earlier than some in my friends group but after we married it took two heartbreaking years to conceive our son. I was over the moon when I was pregnant, the happiest and proudest version of myself. We already had a name prepared after our first scan. Unfortunately, he died in the second trimester and part of my inner self died along with him. We had 2 further miscarriages and unsuccessful IVF since and no living children. Childlessness is complex and confuses me. I dread someone asking me if I have children.

How can I learn to not want children when I have always wanted children, tried to have children, had children but now while having children, I still have no children?

Anger has been a challenge for me. Why others and not me? I feel like I deserve to be a mother. In college, a friend once told me she did not want to have children but it is something we all need to do in life. I said that she does not need to be a mum if she has other wishes in life but she has since had three children. Why her and not me?

There are days when I feel at ease, in peace with the loneliness and grateful for my accomplishments. There are days when I am with my husband that I am a mummy and I feel our lost boys around us. There are also days when the hurt is exhausting. I feel overwhelmed and confused by my own situation.  These are the days that I replay my life like a melodramatic story, trying to make sense of something that may remain and misunderstood unanswered forever. When IVF finished I felt impending doom of becoming childless and I dreaded being childless. A turning point was realising that I was already living the childless life. It was frightening to imagine falling into childlessness but I’m already there.