Theres a churning in my stomach,
an ache of pain and sorrow,
There feels like something's missing,
but I can't quite identify it.

Is it the loss of my reproductive organs?
Or the loss of children that I never met?
Did I NEED to be a mother,
to have flesh and blood of my own?

Is flesh and blood what matters?
Isn't real family those who are there for you?

I feel so alone, but can't let myself belong.
I can't go with the crowd,
When all i desperately want is to be accepted.

When I was younger I wished I was black,
When I was younger I wished I was skinny,
When I was younger I would pray that I wasn't pregnant... boy, for that to be the one wish that came true... what a cruel twist of fate.

Perhaps I was never meant to be a mother,
I never knew how to 'be' around babies...
Always the babysitter, never the mother.

I know I wasn't abandoned or rejected, but
it doesn't stop me feeling that way.
Family who loved me, yet all my life I felt like
A visitor in my own life.

And now, one of the milestones I set for myself can never be. Do we only exist to repopulate the world?

Or is there something more...?

Hazel