I want to flourish as much as I am able
I want to want things such as to travel
I want to feel ok to be me
Even without child

I want to expand and give to the world,
I want to want more music,
I want to see who I can be
To enjoy, and be free, and wild

And, all these things I know I can do
Even more so without a child
So, why do I feel at such a loss,
Unable to be whole,
Why do I feel such pain, deep inside,
And feel I want nothing at all....

I know I need to now move on
And I know I need to let this go
Iʼve had these feelings for far too long
And, itʼs too late, almost definitely, I know

But, this almost is also very hard,
This almost means I canʼt let go,

This almost is one last hope
This almost makes it wrong
And this is why I canʼt quite cope

To turn my back and leave
this part of me which still has life
Makes it wrong to accept
this loss, and grieve

Yet, too old, how can I even
think or hope
How very wrong that feels
I should move on and cope
For all this energy it steals

But, I clutch my womb, it aches,
And yearns to be more
than just a tomb,
no death, but no life it makes

So, what do I do with this void,
This emptiness I feel,
The love I have in my heart
the continuation which was my part
Before I let time steal.

Iʼve sort of been in shock

And, maybe this scares me to the core
An absent life unprepared for
But, new hopes, I can unlock

Itʼs somewhat greedy to want the more
As in children I wanted to care for :
To see them grow, and play in the snow,
To hear their laughter, and chase after,
To comfort their sorrows, and guide their tomorrows,
To give them love, and rise above
the hardships, and the heartache they could bring,
But perhaps through songs we could together sing

The list could go on forever,
and there is much I do not know,
It could be too hard an endeavour
So why do I fall so low,

When actually, Iʼve escaped
as some might say,
My life freely shaped
With no worries to fill my day.

For Iʼm so lucky to be
“ Childfree “
And I should celebrate
Not have feelings I want to hate.

“I donʼt know what I want anymore”
I want to cry out and shout.
But donʼt I see how much I can do
with no children about?!

I see those parents in the street
I feel their exhaustion, almost beat
And I think, knowingly, with my age,
How could I possibly manage

With a body which may have damage
for all I know, could go very wrong
So perhaps I have been saved by fate
Rather than it just being too late

But, it does make me feel inadequate
For the things I can not be
A feeling which seeps into all my being
Even when friends seem to say and see,

The many things I can be
Not only in a remark none other
than “ you would be such a good mother”

Whilst this I may need to abdicate
I hear with warmth and reassurance

My ability, love, and endurance
To breath in life and be more,
than adequate

So, why do I feel tangled, and confused,
At a loss
with this fertility unused.

Itʼs some meaning of my life
it sometimes feels Iʼve cut
with a knife

But I need to make anew,
A different path just as true
With love and joy, and a desire,
to admire.

I know that I am capable
I could flourish,
and I am able,

I donʼt quite know how,
Though Iʼm sure I do,
If I can allow.
There is much I could enable

So first of all this collapse in this relapse,
I need to do away,
Before Iʼm led too much astray

On this destructive path
Misguided consolation
A potential grim aftermath
An abomination

Instead,

I hope for some resolution
In a need to seek and find
Not some obliteration
But to take care and better my mind

If I can have courage
Rather than discourage
The potential to nourish
If I want to flourish

As much as I am able
As much as I can enable
with or without child

Mariko

Photo by Joseph Frank on Unsplash