I write this as a childless, married female in her late 50’s. I am not childless by choice and not childless from infertility. I just am.

Personally, being childless is not a painful place to be until society reminds me. According to society, I have not achieved what a female should – giving birth. I am therefore labelled.

I grew up in a family where intimate relationships and sex were never discussed. There was always the expectation that you would have a good education, get married, have a family, have a house and be successful. A discussion about what was involved and how to handle each step in the lifecycle never happened. There was plenty of silent judgement along the journey.

As far as having intimate relationships, I matured quite late. I first had sex in my early 20’s at University. It was in part a confusing, isolating, and uncertain time.

Over time, experience, self-love, and maturity brought confidence and enjoyment in sexual relationships. Family judgement however never stopped. I always thought with time the relationships would lead to having a family. I never pushed the subject – just thought it would happen. It didn’t. Looking back should I have pushed the matter in these relationships? Would that have made a difference?

I was in my early 40’s and happy with myself when I met my now husband. He was 5 years older than me and stated clearly that he did not want to be a father in his 50’s. I accepted it and moved on with the relationship and got married 10 years later.

Personally I’m happy with my own job lot. I love my work, my life, my freedom and so forth.

I do find the remarks from others re. my childlessness both irritating and upsetting. Those moments that make your heart thump, raise a little feeling of self-doubt, unworthiness, outsider status etc. through your mind and body. The triggers have been the menopause, the next generation having children, being the only non-mother at work, constantly being asked “how many children do you have?” and worst of all the spoken and unspoken judgement of you because you are childless. Spoken judgement “you wouldn’t understand you don’t have kids”. Unspoken judgement just left out of being asked to baby sit or not being considered a worthy enough relation to be part of a younger family member’s life. These moments hurt and hit hard. This is when it’s difficult to accept yourself as you. It seems that you take the hit, are unable to say anything (or try and it falls on deaf ears, makes you feel worse) and the child bearers don’t realise how they hurt you. These situations stump me and hurt. How do you make others aware of how they hurt or rebuke you without making the “hole bigger for yourself?”

Life is good and self-acceptance is fine. Speaking out and writing about it is not so easy. I know how I feel but find it difficult to put that into words. I hope the above contributes something.

Anonymous

Photo by Emile Guillemot on Unsplash