From an early age, I always thought that I’d be a mum. As I grew up I would sometimes imagine my children and how life would be with my family.

In my late twenties, I met my husband. We were married in 1996. Having children was something we assumed would happen although my husband was happy with or without.

I had always had problems with my periods since my very first one just after my 11th birthday. My GP prescribed different painkillers over the years and I was often told my pain was due to IBS or urine infections. No GP mentioned that it may be due to something more life affecting.

I became close friends with one of my neighbours who had Endometriosis, she thought I had it too. Before I met her, I had never heard of it. After havinf trouble getting pregnant, my GP referred me for tests. After some very painful tests and a laparoscopy I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis. The consultant that I saw was very rude and condescending. He informed me that I should have got pregnant at 18 as that was when my best chance would have been.

We decided to go private for further investigation and treatment as through my job we had private healthcare. I had two more laparoscopies and took the fertility drug Clomid in between. Going to be scanned every other day through the middle of my cycle each month while on the drug and then being told to go home and have sex was not really conducive to getting pregnant. All this while holding down a full time job! Needless to say, it didn’t work.

The local healthcare trust could not put me forward for IVF on the NHS as by this time, I was 36. The cut off for my local trust was 35. By the time my trust had extended the age to 40, I was 41! We chatted about paying for IVF ourselves, but my GP was worried that as I had Endo it would take a lot of rounds and even if I did get pregnant, he was worried that I would miscarry and it would affect my mental health which was suffering due to the pain of Endo and not getting pregnant. We decided to stop our pursuit of a family at this time. If it happened naturally, then okay, but we wouldn’t be going any further with medical help.

Life continued on..... My marriage was happy so I was lucky and I had many friends and some family who didn’t have children for differing reasons. I still had to have some time off work due to Endo. What really upset me was that any sick leave I had , had to be catagorized as to the sickness reason. My manager decided that it had to go under Pregnancy as it was hormone related. That felt like being kicked while I was down. A later manager changed it to Genitourinary disease. Neither of these fitted but they were the only options. I was referred three times to three different Occupational Health Drs over the years and each one told my employer that I had a disease that would not go away and that I would require more sick leave and that they should accommodate this. One suggested that I use my flexi hours and annual leave to cover to help my mental health. This iswhat I did until I decided that part time working would make things easier. Local management were happy that I do this and also use flexi to work around when I was poorly. It was hard but it did work.

In 2008, my dad passed away. I was involved in his care and afterwards I decided to see a counsellor to help with my grief. I was lucky with my third choice of counsellor. She saw quite quickly that I needed not only to grieve for my dad but for the family that I couldn’t have. She helped so much and has since become a close friend.

Those feeling of loss still strike every now and again and at the most unexpected times. It hit hard again when I lost my mum two years ago. I still have friends a lot of friends and family who don’t have children so I am very blessed. I also have friends who do and am happy, most of the time, to listen to them chat about them.

However, with the pandemic and catching up with groups of friends online, I have found this harder. Some people just talk about their children and grandchildren all the time. When you meet in life, if there’s a conversation you don’t feel part of, you can join in with another conversation that is going on. Not with zoom! I have been so close to saying something, but I just can’t. I sit and smile meanwhile churning inside. Luckily at this time, my lovely friend who said I had Endo all those years ago, found Gateway Women and we both joined. Its great to have somewhere to belong that my mum friends don’t qualify for!

There have been many instances of people, both friends and acqaintances saying insensitive things which hurt. It depends how I am feeling that day as to how I deal with it. Some people have dropped by the wayside, but I’m not unhappy about that. I am at the age now where some friends that were around between their children leaving home and now producing grandchildren are not about so much. This can be hard, but I will get through it as I did before.

I am a childless, not by choice woman, and I am proud of being me.

Helen Downton