Out of the blue

Hit by an awful viral illness

I presumed I’d recover

It never occurred to me otherwise

Yet there I was

IVF on hold until I was well enough

All the time getting older

Overwhelmed

Trying to manage

To get through

To survive

I never recovered enough

To put my body

Through all the tests and treatments it would need

To have a baby

Perhaps to travel abroad for treatment

To go to the ends of the earth

To make a baby

When I could hardly make it an hour down the road

Knowing deep down

That I couldn’t parent a child the way I would want to

Not a choice, no

That’s the wrong word

Backed into a corner by circumstances

Exhausted and devastated by chronic illness

Just knowing

But not knowing how I knew

“It’s time my darling”

“Let go”

“It’s over”

A sigh of relief

Rattling with pain

Kirsteen