I never thought you were even on my radar.

The chance of ever meeting someone like you was a minuscule percentage.

I was told countless times experiencing even a piece of you could probably never happen.

I prayed, cried, hoped, longed that one day I would finally get the chance to meet you.

I hated the world, hated myself, hibernated, turned away from God because I couldn’t understand why I was being punished as not to have you.

I then accepted my path and understood I may never know you and that was ok. It was painful but I got on with it and found happiness in life. I knew that God had bigger plans for me, that didn’t include you.

Then by miracle you came into my life and you left just as soon as you entered my world.

That feeling of scared, excited, shock, immense love and gratitude to be washed away with fear, a stabbing pain and then emptiness.

For the weeks I experienced you, I felt you, we made plans, talked future, created pet and meaningful real names, not really believing we would never meet in person.

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I beg to differ. It’s more painful because it…you, become real. Not just an assumption.

I see the miracles and blessings that you brought and I thank you for the weeks you were with us, even if it was only in vain and you never even made it into the world.

November would have been when you came home. When my very essence and my purpose in this world would have been complete.

The world had other plans. See you my beautiful, special child in the world to come, where finally I will be worthy of being called a mother.

I love you more today then yesterday but less than tomorrow. I waited so long to have you and I can wait to meet you.

Life is a struggle knowing I’m without child, what’s my purpose, am I enough? Some days more than others. Then I rejoice in what I do have, an experience with you, having loving and supportive family and friends, experiences, being an aunt and most importantly being alive.

Being childless is a silent pain, just be mindful having a child is not always a given...it’s a blessing, one which isn’t given to all.

Every single person walking this earth has a mother.
But
Not every single person walking this earth will BE a mother.

Lauren Pedro